September Issue of AA Grapevine Magazine

By: John L  – Editor of Addictions News.—Hernando, Florida

Gone are the days of being unable to remember hours or entire days. These were times during which I could have committed any number of embarrassing or illegal acts without remembering a second of it.

Had I said something that I needed to apologize for? Did I need to inspect my car for new dents, or God forbid, blood? Could I even find my car?

Just about every time I regained consciousness after a blackout, the thought would come to mind: I will never drink like that again. But thinking didn’t mean I could keep myself from blacking out again in a few days or even on the same day. During some of my worst blackouts, I would open my blurry eyes with some frightening stranger by my side. Did they have a name? What had happened? Then, to my surprise, they’d roll over and wonder who I was! Today, if I were told that I would lose recall of large blocks of time and that I’d be unable to know what I had done or said, I’d say there’s no way I could engage in such activity.

Being a senior citizen, I now often forget what I did 10 minutes ago or where I last saw my coffee cup. But I always know what’s happening in the present moment. If I do have trouble remembering what happened on a certain day, I’m at least reasonably sure that I didn’t hurt anyone or do something illegal.

For me, blackouts are a thing of the past, but I know they will come flooding back if I ever drink again. We are taught in AA to “think the drink through.” Another saying I like is, “It’s not the caboose that kills you.” I know that if I never pick up that first drink, for any reason, I won’t have to experience a blackout ever again.

I made a solemn promise many years ago to not drink, no matter what. On more than one occasion, I’ve come close to breaking that promise, but I made a phone call instead and talked with a fellow AA member about what I was feeling. We call it sharing our problem. The idea of a drink fades back to where it belongs when we share about it. For me, the secret to overcoming my harmful thoughts is to shine a light on them.

For now, I see no purpose in dredging up the past. I’ve already asked for God’s forgiveness and applied his mercy to all areas of my life. I found through experience that self-forgiveness is crucial in finding a peaceful life. If I’m willing to do the work, I will reap the benefits. The only thing I know for sure is how grateful I am for blackouts being a thing of the past for me. And with God’s help, my past will never become my future.