Where’s the Monkey?

Posted on February 13, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Many years ago, when I was just an infant in the AA recovery program, the old-timers would joke about an easy way to treat Alcoholism. Maybe some of you remember that. “If I could only take a pill,” was the cry. It was what we once called a pipe dream. Well, it’s here, and it’s been here for a while. If you haven’t seen the TV advertisement, it’s a pill that cures the desire to drink, without any program of recovery. Just take the pill, and you don’t want to drink anymore.

One thing I neglected to say is that most of those attending meetings said they would not take the pill. I prefer the hard way, as the founders of the AA program did. I can honestly say I was one of those. The saying, “easier, softer way,” didn’t apply to first getting sober. There are, I am sure, those today lining up for the pills. So what is really wrong with that?

After thinking about the answer, it came to me. You are probably way ahead of me. There is more wrong with me than just drinking. In hindsight, the alcohol was only a symptom of what was wrong, as the book says. There is nothing in those pills to fix my low self-esteem, self-hatred, or all of the people I’ve harmed as I plowed through life worrying only about me and my possessions. This is where the work comes in, and there are 12 steps to guide me in becoming whole once again. No pill can fix that.

Unfortunately, most will try the pills and say, “Look at me, I am sober.” Unfortunately, that will not repair the image of our family members, our employer, or the law. They will still see the sick SOB we were while in our addiction.

If you are considering taking the easy way with the pill, consider adding a recovery program like AA, NA, CA, or any other program based on the Twelve Steps. That is where the answer really is.

There is a saying I love that came my way decades ago. “The monkey may be off my back, but the circus hasn’t left town,” and for this alcoholic, it never will.

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A Faith That Works

Posted on February 4, 2026 by levasseurjohn

In today’s reading, it’s written, “I kept coming back and gradually my faith was resurrected.” That may be true for some of our brothers and sisters, but not for me. Before my first day sober, my faith was non-existent. My belief began around the age of eight, when I first became an Alter Boy in the Catholic Church. What little faith I felt went out the window when my father died in a car accident. He had been drinking all afternoon and taking pain pills for the pain he endured due to an accident at work. I remember being alone in our living room, looking out the window, when a police car came into the yard. I knew then that the accident I heard of was my father. I remember looking up and saying, “F-you” to God. That put an end to any faith and trust in God, as I didn’t understand Him.

Nothing changed on my faith front until I was forty-two years old and in deep trouble with the law as a result of being very drunk. When I realized that I could not stop drinking, my lawyer suggested I attend AA, and being sober may be my only chance of not doing time. I did exactly that, and the Judge gave me a break with a one-year suspended sentence. Since that day, I started seeing my faith grow, if not very slowly. As each miracle passed, I realized how I had no control over the outcomes, except that there must be a God, and he didn’t hate me anymore. When I finally put a pen to paper, the things that happened in those drinking days were there in an intervention which I never saw. I remember falling off a hotel roof in Japan and instead of falling four stories; I landed on a metal fire escape thirty feet down. Another near-death experience was when I lost control of my motorcycle, with a trailer truck on my tail, and I said, “Please help me.” Within a second, I was back on the seat, hands on the bars, while slowing down. There again it was God helping, but now I could see it. There were dozens of other eye-popping experiences along the way, and I just didn’t see where God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. More recently, I was in the ER on a gurney with my heart stopping for up to 15 seconds at a time. There were a team of doctors around me, and I was totally okay with what was going on. If it was my time to go, so be it. One of the doctors placed a pacemaker in my chest right away, and that solved the problem. It has taken many years of attending AA meetings before I realized how I was never alone.

My faith today is totally different from what it was 40 years ago when I first sobered up. I know, without doubt, that there is a power greater than me, and that power loves me and has been watching over me my entire life. Now, I see the miracles happening around me every day. I continue to do God’s will, which is located somewhere around my heart. Some call it intuition. I call it faith, a faith that works, when and if I work it.

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Addictions Related Monthly Newsletter

Posted on January 24, 2026 by levasseurjohn

I have been publishing an addictions related newsletter for the past 14 years. Most months are 16 pages of local news, addiction related articles, and published articles I have written.

If you would like a free copy the 1st of each month, send me your email. Send it to

LEVASSEURJOHN@hotmail.com

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A Night Out with My Friend Vodka

Posted on January 15, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Published in the Grapevine Magazine, February 2026

After his wife and kids left, all he had was the bar. Now the SWAT team was at his door. Had enough?

When I was just 12, alcohol helped me cope with my misery after my father’s alcoholism took him away in a drunk driving accident. Once that door to escape into the bottle was opened a crack, I kicked it wide open in my 20s.

My drunk mother forced me into the Air Force before I got drafted and sent to Vietnam. I found serving my country a glorious venture, and the reward of drinking to my heart’s content led me further into alcoholism. After receiving an honorable discharge I was turned loose on the world, knowing my drinking was out of control.

During the next five years, I didn’t have the money to drink as I wished. I got married, and my wife and I started a family. She was watching closely, but still my drinking got worse. What started as two six-packs on the weekends became a case a day, while during the week it grew to six or eight bottles. After 13 years of this, my wife attended her one and only Al-Anon meeting, where she learned that she wasn’t the problem and that she couldn’t get me sober. Next came the divorce and I was out.

Now free of parental responsibilities, I turned to my friend, vodka. The two of us had a loving relationship, and like beer it helped me deal with the things I had no control over. This relationship grew, even though I was slow to see the love was only one way.

My final drunk started like all the rest. I spent all day in a VFW, as I had done many Saturdays before. But this time, toward the end of the evening, in and out of a gray out, I found myself in a fight with a big guy. At the time I was carrying a small gun in my pocket everywhere I went. I took it out and threatened him and everyone else at his table. The bouncer quickly disarmed me with one tackle and tossed me out to the parking lot, where I was left unconscious.

I didn’t remember anything until I woke up the next morning to the sound of knocking at the door. It was two members of the town’s SWAT team. They put me in cuffs and away to jail I went. The sergeant behind the desk explained how I was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and said I was going to jail for a long time.

After bailing out, I contacted a lawyer right away. She made a few inquiries and sat me down for the bad news. She asked me if I was guilty. “Of course” was the only answer I had. She then showed me copies of the 17 statements from witnesses that backed up my answer. There was no doubt I was going to jail. My lawyer then said what would later save my life, “Your only chance of not going away is if I can tell the judge when we go to court that you’ve been sober for a few months and attending AA meetings.” So that’s what I did. I went to meetings, I prayed for help, and God answered my prayer. On court day the judge showed mercy, and I was given a year suspended sentence with a conditional discharge.

Out of pure fear I attended AA meetings every chance I got. Some weeks it was seven meetings and others two or three times that. Once I got on this “yellow brick road,” I’ve not given in to a drink for 33 years, no matter what.

During these sober years, I’ve had many challenges which could have sent me escaping into the bottle, but God and the power I’ve found in this program has pulled me through.

I’ve learned there are three secrets to staying sober.

1) I can choose to be my own best friend or worst enemy;

2) There is a power in the universe who loves me; and

3) I don’t drink no matter what.

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Think the Thought Through!

Posted on December 28, 2025 by levasseurjohn

Somewhere in every addiction related program, the Four Ts can come into play. It is as simple as, “Think the _____ through,” has become part of most recovery program. Why is that so popular? One answer is that it works! Another one, it’s simple and easy to remember, and lastly, it can change the outcome of any decision before the disaster occurs. Let me say, I have learned this through experience. For 40 years, I have not touched a single drop of alcohol or taken a drug that wasn’t prescribed. I attribute my success in part to that simple slogan.

My entire life has not been a bowl of cherries? Like most of us, life has a strange way of getting our attention. As I mentioned in previous writings, I believe that we are on this earth to learn. Experiencing life is the purpose of my being in this body, for as many years as it takes. Every bad or good day has had a lesson embedded in it. I have no control over when an experience, with an attached lesson, is placed in my path. I do know that the faster I find out what that experience is here to show me, the quicker I move on to the next one. Thinking through my decisions to the end, on which path I choose to experience, can make all the difference. Most of these lessons are small, and I receive the answer quickly.

Here are some of the experiences I’ve used, or not used the saying, to navigate the minefields.

Example 1: Being sober for 3 years and attending meetings just about every day, I thought it was a good idea to start a relationship, without knowing who I really was. I asked this very attractive, young, and smart girl out on a date. I had an idea that she may have a preference toward the opposite sex, but that wasn’t going to stop me. I could change her. We saw each other every day at meetings and had many dinners together. After a week, the relationship turned physical, and I fell in love. At the end of the month, I purchased an engagement ring, and we were setting a date. She wanted it quickly, so we were married within the next month. Most of the AA we knew attended the wedding, with their own thoughts on which direction we were headed. Within 52 days, she tried to kill herself several times and ended up in a long-term psychiatric treatment center. That is where she discovered who she really was attracted to. On my last visit, she announced that she was in love with her therapist, who was a woman. Even though I suspected all along that this might happen, I refused to accept it until that moment. It was then that I wished I had “thought the relationship through.”

Example 2: More recently, I decided to spend the summer with my daughter in Missouri to escape the heat in Florida. The plan, as I saw it, was to leave in May. It was September, so there was lots of time to plan. Right away, I came up with one, brilliant plan. Without thinking it through, I borrowed $20,000 from the bank and purchased a 35-foot RV. A month later, I drove it to my daughter’s home for my niece’s wedding. After a ten-day visit, I returned. To my horror, the gas bill for the RV was $1,000 on the credit card, which I really could not afford. Now the RV sits until May, registered and insured. Thinking the RV decision through may have not put me in as much debt or leave me with a large vehicle in my yard. Maybe I could have come to a different outcome. There were many other avenues available, but my obsession blinded me to the possibilities. I have faith that this will all turn out for the best, and maybe the lesson in this one is, next time to think the decision through.

Example 3: Another RV-related experience comes to mind. Before leaving on my trip, the AC unit in the living area was not working. These units are not repairable for the most part. I purchased a new one on the credit card. I had all sorts of ideas for mounting the 80-pound unit on the RV’s roof. Each one of the ideas I thought the outcome through, and most of my best ideas, would involve me being injured in some way. It was then that I reached out to my son, who lives in New England and would be visiting my daughter at the same time as I. He said that he and a few of the larger boys would do it for me. When I was there with him, we realized that my son-in-law had a new tractor with a bucket loader in the front. We used that to raise the AC unit into place, and the job was complete, the AC was working, and no one was hurt, especially me. Thinking the project through made a huge difference on this one.

Example 4: I will make this the last and most recent experience. In this one, I did think it through and maybe avoided a disaster. I mentioned the big RV. Well, I needed to trim some trees so the branches wouldn’t rub on the roof and siding. I already have an electric chainsaw and a ladder. Oh, I didn’t mention that I am 81 years young and 40 pounds overweight. Can you see what might be coming? I looked at those branches for a week, thinking about how it might be done. I figured I would climb the extension ladder as high as I could, step into the tree, and climb ten feet up the trunk. That is when the idea of thinking the decision through came into play. Falling out of the tree wasn’t an outcome I was looking forward to having. Old bones break easily. That is when I stepped back and reevaluated the plan. It was then that the idea of an electric pole saw came to mind. I purchased one, on the credit card, of course, and will tackle the trimming from the ground in a week or so. The trimming will eventually get finished, and I will still be able to seek out another lesson.

New lessons are waiting for me. There are many things to learn in the short time I have left on this earth. I look forward to new experiences, because that is what life is all about. Today I’ve promised myself to “think the thought through,” and I know by doing that, the journey will be much easier, thank you, God.

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I can’t live my life through others, nor fix anyone but myself.

Posted on December 23, 2025 by levasseurjohn

If Melody Beattie has taught me anything in her book, “Codependence No More,” it is the title of this writing. In the early 90’s, I followed her teachings closely. During that time, recovery was known as “Healing the Inner Child.” Hundreds of books were number one on the Best Sellers List. We consumed every word we could find on the subject. I personally went so far as to open a Self-Help Recovery bookstore called “Journey to Serenity.” That seems so long ago, and I am telling the story of another person, but it was me. I am no longer that person emotionally. My neediness and obsessive desires to save the world have come under control as I realized how I could only save myself.

Today, I care for others, but I know better than to try to fix them. In the AA program, during the steps, I found step 9, which states, “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible.” What I didn’t realize when I attempted that step the first few times was that the idea about fixing my relationship with the other person or heal the memories of the destruction I had caused could not be done by me. It is about doing what I can to make things right, if possible, but not to get that person to like or even forgive me. Even if they forgive what I’ve done, the emotional damage within them can only be healed by them. I cannot change the past in another’s mind. That’s up to them.

The only tool I know that will help is Prayer. I can pray that the person I damaged can find peace within themselves. This was proven to me through my own childhood experience. With two alcoholic parents and one dying in a car crash when I was twelve, the emotional damage was far worse than I thought. I knew I was in trouble when, at ten years sober, I had a .22 revolver pointed at my head, and I was pulling the trigger. Pulling back on the slide, I listen to the click as the firing pin hit on an empty chamber. I said to myself, “I only have to put the clip in once more, and it will be over.” I really didn’t want to die, but I wanted the emotional pain to stop. It was then that I made a call for help. After six years of therapy, with many different counselors, the healing took place. As much as those who hurt me wanted me to be better, they could not fix me.

The secret is that I cannot fix anyone other than myself. The damage is inside their own world, as my damage was inside me. I can ask for their forgiveness, but that won’t help them. When they are ready, the teacher will appear, just as it did for me. I can only be an example of how, when I become willing to go to any length to make myself better, the healing will take place. There are real miracles out there, and I can testify that I became one. You can also be a miracle by doing the necessary work. Good luck on your Journey to Serenity if you so choose to jump on the Recovery Train as it leaves the station. If you miss that train, there is always another when you are ready.

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What hope means to me

Posted on December 16, 2025 by levasseurjohn

I’ve used the word hope many times in my life, and usually, there aren’t any changes in the situation, whatever it is. Today, I have a good idea why it hasn’t worked in the past. I would sit on my hands and hope things would change. I would hope someone would get off my case, but it didn’t happen. I would expect to lose weight, but would gain instead. I would hope to win the lottery, but I never do. With every hope, I would feel how God wasn’t listening. The answer was simple. I needed to accept someone for being who they are; eat more healthily, exercise, and buy a lottery ticket.

Today, “hope ” is an action verb. It means I tell God my expectations and then listen for what I’m to do to make them come true. Doing nothing gets nothing in return. I try not to project how the outcome will be, because I know that whatever it is, it will always be better than anything I could have expected.

My Higher Power always gives me what I need, not what I want. Give this a try yourself and see if you get the same results I’m seeing.

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Ready, SHOOT, Aim

Posted on December 11, 2025 by levasseurjohn

The phrase “ready, shoot, aim” generally refers to taking action immediately without careful planning or thorough consideration of the consequences.

Have I ever spoken without thinking? Well, if I’m totally honest, the answer is, definitely YES. I’m embarrassed when I think of the times I did it? With 39 years sober, attending over 10000 meetings, and working the program, I believe I should be better than that. Reality is, I’m only human, and some of my old behaviors sneaks in from the back of my mind to the front, when I least expect it. It is said that the old me sleeps lightly.

When I have a bad thinking moment, and it’s only a moment instead of the entire day, I have the option, like it says in the step,“ and when we were wrong, promptly admitt it.” When I place this concept in motion, the side of the street which only I have any power over is cleaned up. Do I always choose the right path? Sometimes, maybe 50% of the time. The other fifty percent usually is fixed the next day. There are times when I don’t know the problem is me, and it takes days or weeks for the process to begin.

If I am on my game while thinking before speaking, I make it through the day without upsetting those I love, either knowing or not. When I slow down and observe, I am much better off.

I could at this time, give you some examples, but if you take a moment, you will have examples of your own. After all, change only happens when I recognize it in me and shine a light on it. We call that, “taking our inventory.” It’s not about taking someone else’s inventory but ours. Doctor Paul, in his Big Book story, Acceptance is The Answer, states, “when there is something wrong in my life, there is something wrong with me, and in my attitudes.” I reap the rewards when I look at who is driving my buss. Is it them or is it me? Change can only happen when it is me who is driving. Others will get in the driver’s seat if I let them. Don’t let them. Reconsider and aim before you shoot.

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Where lessons come from?

Posted on December 7, 2025 by levasseurjohn

The Course in Miracles states, “Life is but a series of lessons. We do not get to choose the lesson, but we do get to choose how we react to it.”

What a beautiful statement, and so true. I always questioned, “Where do these lessons come from?” Many religious scholars have pondered this question, and many different answers have been given, none of which rings true with my way of thinking.

After pondering this, over and over, I came to a conclusion that works for me. If my thoughts are too far out there for your beliefs, that’s perfectly fine. I know most don’t look at the world the same way I do, but if you have an open mind, this might make sense, as it does to me.

Before beginning my journey, I was a spiritual being in a place I call heaven. My spirit, mind, or soul was not on this plane until after conception. While waiting for my new Life to begin, I planned my path and what I needed to learn. There are an unlimited number of questions that need answers before I can move to the next level. There are many levels of my soul’s development, and I can choose which experiences will be necessary this time around.

For myself in this lifetime, I elected to have a father who was distant from his oldest son, who died young, leaving me to deal with drunk mother. I went on to create my own chaos from alcoholism. The lesson was to rise above my past, forgive the hurts, and become a better, stronger individual. I could not rise above until I had spent dark times in the valley. After 30 years sober, I have accomplished that. I have reached the top of the mountain, or at least near it.

Now I wonder what lessons are left for me to learn. Here is where the second part of the expression comes into play. “We get to choose how we react to the lesson.” This lesson has been ongoing for several years, and with each experience, I become a stronger and better person. There will be lessons for me to learn until my last breath.

The final lesson will be knowing that the Christian teachings were right all along. There is a God who loves me, and Life doesn’t end just because this body is no longer usable. Each phase is correct, necessary, and chosen by me before it all begins.

In the middle of a particular lesson, when I’m uncomfortable, unhappy, or angry, I need to remind myself that this is only one of many lessons I need to learn, and the sooner it’s figured out, the sooner I will be moving on to the next one.

Be patient with yourself, as it is you who has chosen this path to learn on.

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Whose Experience is it?

Posted on December 3, 2025 by levasseurjohn

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why are they doing this to me?” or “Why is this happening to me?” or even “Why is this terrible thing happening to so and so?” I think we all have at one time or another, without knowing the answer, or at least an answer that works for us.

The answer came to me one day from the still small voice that speaks from the secret place in my heart. It said, “Maybe this time, it’s not about you!” Through experience, I have found that in the long run, it’s not always about me. There are times when I am just a bit actor in someone else’s play. I’m not the director either; I’m just performing my small role, so they have a chance to learn their own valuable lesson.

I experienced this many times while dealing with the emotional pains my children went through while growing up. It was not easy to take a back seat and watch each scene unfold without being in control. Once out of the dark and into the light, my children could see the lesson they alone could have learned.

One example of this lesson happened when my 16-year-old daughter was asked to leave her mother’s house. We were divorced, and I couldn’t take her in as I was in the middle of my own living problems. She moved in with six other teens in a second-floor two-bedroom apartment. Drinking and pot smoking were happening regularly. She was working in a Favor Shoe store and survived an armed robbery. I was terrified of the perceived danger she put herself in, and the anguish was driving me crazy.

While speaking to a friend about my problem of being the lead actor, the friend asked me some simple questions. “Do you believe in God?” The answer came quickly, “Of course I do!” She asked, “Do you believe God has a plan for your life?” Again, the same answer. Her voice became louder, “Then why the F… can’t you believe God has a plan for her life and you are only a small part of her plan, NOT THE STAR!” At first, I was shocked she would speak to me in such a rude tone. After taking a deep breath, I realized she was right. God did have a plan for my daughter, and she was in the process of learning her own lessons. By the way, after I stepped back from trying to run her life, she realized for herself where things were headed and moved out of the situation and in with me after my living issues were solved. Be careful what you ask for. Today, she is married to a very successful provider, and he’s a loving father to her three children.

In my daughter’s play, there was a lesson for me to learn as well: nothing happens in God’s world by mistake; everything has a purpose. My job is to recognize my part in the play. Sometimes I am the windshield, and other times, I’m the bug.

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