Once again, I remind the reader that what I say is my own opinion and experience over the past 40 years in recovery. I’ve diligently followed many teachers and speakers like Wayne Dyer, whom I admire greatly. What I am about to write stems from the many master teachers I’ve used to repair my own dysfunctions. If you have doubts about my experiences, please take the time to find your own Road to Recovery, but by all means start the process with the knowledge that others have been down the road you may be on and have transformed their lives by implementing the knowledge the Universe has laid at their feet.

Today I will cover how love can only be given if you have it to give.

Growing up in a home where the word “love” was used frequently without feelings attached. When I researched my parents’ history, they came from households where the model was that kids should be seen and not heard. They could not express who they were, or if they did, punishment followed. I am sure they heard the word love without expression. This groomed my personality with very low self-esteem, and I frequently put myself down. I was told, “Good job, we didn’t think you could do it?” They were teaching me what they had been taught and didn’t realize how they could have done much better.

As I grew in years, the damaged me came along for the ride, only in an older version. I told my wife and children how I loved them. I knew when I was saying it, there was no emotion attached, just words. My wife at the time grew up in her own alcoholic household and passed on to her what her parents were taught. Unfortunately, her parents were of the same school of thought as my parents.

Moving ahead twenty-five years, I was surviving inside by wearing many masks. On the outside, I was educated, a great worker, and had many surface friends, most of whom put on their own masks. The day came when my heavy drinking caught up with me, and I reached a bottom, within myself, that I never want to return to. I reached a new level of misery, along with jail time for an assault with a deadly weapon charge. This was when the repair process began with the guidance of AA and the 12-Step Program it offered. It came very slowly at first. In fact, I was told if I were going any slower, I would be going backwards.

After ten years sober, I figured out how my insides were still as damaged as they were when I first became sober. It was then that I sought professional help. The first suggested idea was that I stop putting myself down. I started looking in my bathroom mirror and saying how I was a good person, and how I liked myself. The word love, with meaning, would not cross my lips for the next three years. Slowly, but surely, my entire emotional world started to change. By 20 years sober and connected with feelings, I began to feel love filling my heart. I loved who I had become, and feelings were flooding in. Some days the feelings were more than I wanted, but I let the process happen and stopped stuffing my emotions.

At that time, when I said to my children how I loved them, I could feel something different. They weren’t empty words anymore, and I could feel the emotion when they said the word to me. I realized then that I could not give away what I didn’t have, and they could not feel my love until they were ready and open to it. Any other person in my life had to be ready and have worked on their own inner self before that feeling could be reciprocated.

Today, thanks to recovery programs like AA, CODA, ACOA, and others, along with six years of professional guidance, my life is totally different from the past. I am so grateful to those who were along my recovery road, helping me climb the ladder of emotional healing at the right time. I can honestly say that following the 12 steps the way they are presented, no matter which program, has changed my inner frown to a constant smile of happiness. I’ve picked up a little saying which has aided me in my transformation from a moth to a butterfly. It goes like this:

“Happiness is not something I find; it’s something I create.”

If you are not happy, start your own creating process today!