Road To Recoveries

Remember those old shortcomings or character defects we thought were put to bed? As it turns out, they don’t go away but sit in the back of our minds, waiting for an excuse to come out and shine. They’re still there, with all the destructive power they carried the first time. I dragged all my character flaws into sobriety, and every once in a while, I’m reminded how they never go away.

Today’s perfect example showed me just how lightly they sleep. I was shopping at a Family Dollar Store, making some weekly purchases. I pushed the yellow cart across the parking lot to my red Corvette convertible. After placing the contents in the trunk and pushing the cart behind the curb stone so it wouldn’t roll out into traffic, I sat behind the wheel. Along came this elderly lady who parked in the front row.  She walked in my direction. I figured she wanted to compliment me on what a beautiful car I was driving. Instead, she went to the back and wheeled the cart alongside, saying, “You lazy bastard. Why can’t you bring your cart back to the store?” That’s when my blood pressure, without my permission, started to climb. I remarked how it was hot and that the store had people to take care of the carts. Again, she said, “If you can’t bring the cart back, then maybe you shouldn’t bring it to your car!” The blood pressure went up ten more degrees, and things came out of my mouth that were never spoken in church. You could say I gave her a piece of my mind, big time. I drove away while we both continued to yell unpleasant obscenities at one another.

When I switch into rage mode, I want to roll back the clock and have a do-over. Later, I thought about how I could have handled the situation with love instead of confrontation, which didn’t make a winer out of anyone. I pray she’s blessed in the same way I am with the ability to self-examine my behavior. I used the Tenth Step to see where I was wrong promptly and immediately forgive myself for the unacceptable behavior. I hope she can do the same instead of going home and taking it out on her husband or pets. She was angry over something before coming into the parking lot. The cart was just an outlet for that anger. Unfortunately, I felt attacked instead of loved and acted out of EGO instead of love.

I felt less guilty after speaking at a meeting about my disappointment with my behavior. I’ve moved on, except to take a minute to write this down.

The story’s moral is that even though I’m 31 years sober, the old me still sleeps lightly.

Impulsive decision-making is rational human behavior. Not every sudden decision landed me in jail. Some spur-of-the-moment urges can be good, but acting before thinking can destroy chances for achieving life’s long-term goals. Sometimes, it’s the “little” quick decisions that can, because of unintended consequences, cause as much grief as the major ones.

Relationships are one area in life were acting quickly without thinking ahead can be too easy.  One impulsive “relationship decision” can put me in a hole that I can’t easily climb out of. I always look for the wrong attributes in a potential partner. Now I’ve changed my approach by saying to myself, “If we can’t carry on a conversation after sex, don’t go there in the first place.” This so far has served me well.

Before starting any relationship, make a conscious decision to take your time. If you are committed from the start to taking things slowly, you are far less likely to regret impulsive moves.

Hasty decisions for an alcoholic, like hanging out with the wrong crowd, could turn out badly. We all want to feel wanted and loved but need to watch who we associate with. We should have similar interests, or at least the other person should be someone to learn from.

Money is one of the easiest areas where impulsive decisions can get me in serious trouble. Debt is no joke when it can follow me wherever I go and take decades to pay off. Before making a purchase, I can ask myself if the item is a legitimate need or just another want. If it is actually a want rather than a need, I give myself time to think about it. I say, “If I really want this tomorrow, then I can come back.”

Credit cards make it dangerously easy to give in to impulsive shopping urges that can ultimately ruin me financially. Do I need as many credit cards as I may have? Am I putting things on the card just because I can? If so, I resolve to use cash as much as possible. If the money isn’t available for the must-have, the answer is I should wait until I have the finance.

We live in a very abundant society, and it’s not hard to decide if I want something to eat or drink in the spur of the moment. It smells and looks good; suddenly, it’s in the shopping cart or on my plate. My strategy for countering the urge to make that impulse purchase is to ask myself whether my body needs the dessert I want to buy—and the answer is always no.

Whether I like it or not, one key to a happy, successful life is the ability to stick to a schedule so I can reach my goals and not just randomly let impulses dictate my time. This is where impulsivity can get in the way, and not for the better. I can make a schedule and vow to stick with it.

Having a healthy sense of self can give me an idea of how much work is needed to change my impulsive habits. Some are more impulsive than others, and I can change if I know I’m prone to making hasty decisions without much thought. My suggestion was to map out the areas where it’s a real issue in my life.  Also, I need to identify situations where I’m most likely to make impulsive decisions. If I know what social situations are where I’m the most impulsive, I can commit to being more careful.

Impulsivity makes it not only hard to have a functional life; it’s also a sign that I could have a mental health condition such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Bipolar Disorder. If, when looking at my impulses, there is a pattern of regular impulsive decisions, I must seek appropriate mental health guidance or treatment.

For most of us, impulsive decisions stem directly from getting caught up in what we want right now without thinking ahead, never thinking about the potential consequences. 

How often have you had the reflective thought, “It seemed like a good idea at the time?”

That is a true statement because it must be all about me. If it’s not, I’m screwed. The statement I hear at AA meetings always says, “The new person is the most important person in the room.” That’s right to a point. The new person is the most important, after me! I must be number one in my life if I’m to remain sober and have a reasonable chance of staying that way, along with living the good life.

I know this idea upsets some of the old-timers. Some feel differently, but this is how I feel, and it’s served me well for three consecutive decades of recovery.

When we read the AA Preamble at the beginning of every meeting, it states, “Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.” Number one, I must stay away from drugs and alcohol. To reach that goal, I must focus on growing and changing in line with spiritual principles. 

Thank God, someone made me feel important when I entered the rooms. As a new person, I quickly realized that if I didn’t put my sobriety ahead of everything else, family, jobs, and friends, I was destined to fail. I didn’t want it to happen, so my philosophy changed to, “My sobriety is first, and everything else falls in after that.”

I came to AA from a very dark place, and that place is waiting for me should I ever forget who I am. I’m in trouble if my priorities focus on other than God and sobriety.

I pray that the God of my understanding helps me never to forget where I came from and allows me to give back a few of the gifts I have received by staying sober.