Being of service to others

Posted on December 4, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Being of service to others comes up as a topic every once in a while. Not often enough for my taste. Service to others is a critical part of our program. In The Promises, number seven shows how “We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.” Years ago, sponsors would have their new person making coffee, setting up the hall, greeting people as they came in, cleaning ashtrays, and, after the meeting, putting everything away. This is how I remember it. I don’t see that happening much in the past ten years. Promise six is the payoff when a new person does the detailed work. “That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.” They become part of the group, not just someone attending meetings.

Several groups have closed because no one stepped up to take responsibility for opening the doors. Right now, one group has an 84-year-old coffee maker. He has been at the helm every Sunday for the past ten years, trying for months to have someone step into his shoes. So far, most would rather see the meeting fold. Where is the old-time spirit of helping others?

 Just showing up for a meeting isn’t being of service to anyone but you. Sure, your ego may say something inspirational when you speak, but for the most part, you’re there because you fear what might happen if you don’t go. Picking up after yourself isn’t considered a service either. Stick around and help clean up. Show up early for the setup. Just because you have a few years under your belt doesn’t mean you’ve put some service in the bank.

Let’s get the new people active again. Have them do what you did to stay sober in those first few years. My sponsee has been making coffee since he first came into the program. He is also the treasurer and secretary. Oh, and he gets the cakes once a month for Anniversary Night. For that, he now has the gift of six years of sobriety. I believe in rotating positions, but it only works if someone is willing to serve. These days, I don’t see it.

What a shame it would be for future alcoholics if AA just faded away because there was no one to open the door. The old timers probably won’t let it happen, but just think of all the benefits that could be gained by new people getting involved. If you are sponsoring someone and they aren’t involved with a group, in my opinion, you are not doing your job. Let’s all pitch in and help the new person help themselves.

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Why is it That Some Get it while Others Don’t?

Posted on November 7, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Ever since the first members stumbled into AA, there has been the question, “Why do some get it while others don’t?” Some stop drinking, come to their first meeting, and never drink again. Others put down the drink for some time but always return to drinking or drugging for one reason or another. Usually, the real reason is well hidden, and an excuse is used instead, or someone blamed for the relapse. I frequently accused is the wife, the job, or the kids. It’s always other than me.

What makes one stay sober while others are trapped in a revolving door?

First, we have to look at what makes alcoholics different from those who don’t have this problem. Most alcoholics grow up with the idea that the world is a cruel and untrusting place and that they are getting what they deserve. The non-alcoholic has this crazy notion that growing up is a fun time. They believe the world is laid out for them and life is beautiful. This group doesn’t need to escape from reality the same way the alcoholic does. For the alcoholic, life is tolerated until the first drink or drug is found. With that, the flight begins. The world became a much better place for me when the buzz was on. I discovered what I thought was reality, but it wasn’t. I followed the dark side, and my life unfolded negatively. At twenty years of age, I became a daily drinker. Life during those years was right on the edge of trudging through or calling it quits.

There came a time when my distorted reality was stronger than the escape tools I used. I could not stand me anymore. After being arrested and jailed, life crumbled before my eyes. I knew I must stop drinking and find a suitable substitute for alcohol.

It was late one Monday night, after attending my first meeting, when an alternative was shown to me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went home, knelt, and said, “Please God, help me! I can’t stop drinking!” That was thirty years ago, and I haven’t had a drink since.

     I had the substitute but didn’t realize it until many years later. I knew deep within I didn’t have to drink anymore. It took a long time to forgive myself, but with God’s help, it did happen.

My spiritual journey has taken the place of the drugs and alcohol. I have since learned to accept things as they are and how to deal with the adversities life sends my way. Life today isn’t perfect, but it’s a lot better than when alcohol was in the driver’s seat.

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Good Grief

Posted on November 4, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Grief is a topic that only comes up when someone’s in crisis. Losing a wife, sister, mother, or pet can cause an individual to do things common sense overlooks. Understanding how the process works can help when you are going through it. Five stages must be addressed with each loss. There are no shortcuts or easy ways around it, but once you know where you are, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel much clearer. Here is a brief overview of the process:

Denial

The first reaction is to deny its reality. You might hear yourself saying, “This isn’t happening.” Denial is a defense mechanism. It’s a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

As denial wears off, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. Anger may be directed at our deceased loved one or God himself. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more upset. Go easy on yourself. You are not being punished, even if it feels that way.

Bargaining

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power to postpone the inevitable. “Please, God, bring them back, and I will be a better person.”

Depression

Sadness and regret dominate our emotions. We accept the loss, but the sadness is still overwhelming.

Acceptance

This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. It’s not a period of happiness but an acceptance of the loss.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions you’re going through. Friends and relatives can be there for you and help comfort you through this five-stage process. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting prolongs the natural process of healing.

Love, what it is, not what it’s not

Webster’s defines love as:

  1. Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

Or maternal love for a child.

Attraction is based on sexual desire.

  1. Lovers feel affection and tenderness.
  2. Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or interest in love for his old schoolmates

After reading this description of love, I still don’t know what love is. The Bible tries in its way in Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, boast, or be proud. It does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, and perseveres. Love never fails.

I’m even more confused after reading that. The above tells me what love isn’t or what it doesn’t do. It states how love protects, trusts, and perseveres. What does it mean?

In my 30 years in Recovery, I’ve read hundreds of books and attended another hundred lectures and seminars. I have assembled a group of thoughts about what I think love is all about. You may disagree with this conclusion, but this understanding is for me. If you receive any benefit from this explanation, then we are all better off that I’ve written it down.

Everyone agrees love is a strong feeling. It comes from within me. I feel the love from another. Could I feel love if I didn’t already have it in my heart? If I despise myself, can I feel love? Can I give something away which I don’t already possess? The simple answer is no, it can’t be done. I know because I lived it. I would tell my kids I loved them, but it was only a word. In later years, while making a 9th step amend to my son, he said, “I knew you loved me but never felt it.” Could he grow up as I did, not love himself, without a role model?

Love can only be received if you’re ready to accept it. It’s always on me, and the feeling is always inside me. I can tell you I love you, but a sense of connection can only be made if you’re receptive.

In conclusion, to feel love, you must love yourself. Love for oneself can only be achieved through forgiveness. Forgiveness comes about by recognizing your misgivings, looking in the mirror, and saying the words to yourself. It’s a process and takes time, but it only works if you do it.

Today, I feel loved and can try to describe what it feels like to others. We will make the connection if they are in the right place. If not, they are just words without meaning.

This may help you a little, as it helped me a lot.

A Different Way to See God

Some of the ideas expressed in this article are repeats from earlier but apply here as well. The more you study advanced spiritual concepts, the more you will see how it all comes down to a few basic principles.

While attending a church-sponsored memorial service for an AA friend who passed, I was reminded how my spiritual beliefs differ immensely from others in the community. The church denomination isn’t relevant, but it’s not my first choice for a worship place.

For the most part, the service crept into my heart with warm fuzzy memories of my friend. Then, the religious doctrine started, and I had to turn the other cheek while switching channels in my thoughts. I knew there may be a hidden lesson I didn’t see at first. Some in attendance were flailing their arms while a man in the back kept yelling, “Praise Jesus.” He scared the carp out of me when he screamed the first time. I found it hard not to judge initially, but I was successful over time. The lesson was that this church and how the parishioners praised God was their choice and none of my business. Many enjoyed what I first called antics while enjoying every minute of it. Those loving the service and I were at the same service and heard the same sermon but had entirely different views on the spiritual meaning.

It was gratifying and enlightening to be able to accept them at face value and their ways. I took a deep breath and realized this wasn’t designed by me, and I would be leaving soon anyway. The service was about memorializing my friend, and this was the church she was a member of. It was then that I stopped judging.

Although some of the preachings weren’t my cup of tea, I did come away with a better understanding of God as I see Him. My spiritual concepts have many similarities and differences compared to organized religion. The Pastor spoke about our separation from God as sinners. He made it sound like heaven is a real place above the clouds, and we will go there if we do certain things the way they do it. Jesus explained it when his disciples asked him, “Where is heaven?” He replied, “The kingdom of heaven lies within.” So if God is in heaven, He’s inside every one of us, even if we don’t believe. He’s there waiting for us to talk with Him. I think each of us is a spiritual being living a human experience, not vice versa. We are all spirits; each Spirit is within, where God is. My friend was with me in Spirit while she lived. Now that she’s no longer on earth, her Spirit is in heaven with God, which is within me. I guess this means nothing has changed spiritually. Her body has left, but she remains present in Spirit.

Another area I’ve come to understand is why we are here? Of course, this is only my concept; you can believe whatever you like. We are spirits placed here to learn lessons through service. The book of lessons has many pages. The Course in Miracles says, “Life is a series of lessons. We don’t get to choose the experience, but we do get to choose how we react to it.” I must learn all the lessons to become one with God. My Spirit may be in heaven with Him, but we are not entirely one as yet. We’re not separate just not one. Each lifetime there are lessons to learn. Once this Life’s mission is complete, and it may be when I’m 20 or 100, I will return to the source where I’ll be assigned new lessons and return to do it again. As I look at others, I do not know their lessons. It doesn’t matter to me. What’s important is that I know what’s on my path and learn every bit of what I am here to learn.

This makes more sense than the idea that we come here once, die, and live in heaven for eternity. Eternity is a long time, and one’s Life is so short. If one pass is all we get, what’s the real purpose of living this Life? I like my idea better.

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A different way to see God

Posted on October 29, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Some of the ideas expressed in this article are repeats from earlier but apply here as well. The more you study advanced spiritual concepts, the more you will see how it all comes down to a few basic principles.

While attending a church-sponsored memorial service for an AA friend who passed, I was reminded how my spiritual beliefs differ immensely from others in the community. The church denomination isn’t relevant, but it’s not my first choice for a worship place.

For the most part, the service crept into my heart with warm fuzzy memories of my friend. Then, the religious doctrine started, and I had to turn the other cheek while switching channels in my thoughts. I knew there may be a hidden lesson I didn’t see at first. Some in attendance were flailing their arms while a man in the back kept yelling, “Praise Jesus.” He scared the carp out of me when he screamed the first time. I found it hard not to judge initially, but I was successful over time. The lesson was that this church and how the parishioners praised God was their choice and none of my business. Many enjoyed what I first called antics while enjoying every minute of it. Those loving the service and I were at the same service and heard the same sermon but had entirely different views on the spiritual meaning.

It was gratifying and enlightening to be able to accept them at face value and their ways. I took a deep breath and realized this wasn’t designed by me, and I would be leaving soon anyway. The service was about memorializing my friend, and this was the church she was a member of. It was then that I stopped judging.

Although some of the preachings weren’t my cup of tea, I did come away with a better understanding of God as I see Him. My spiritual concepts have many similarities and differences compared to organized religion. The Pastor spoke about our separation from God as sinners. He made it sound like heaven is a real place above the clouds, and we will go there if we do certain things the way they do it. Jesus explained it when his disciples asked him, “Where is heaven?” He replied, “The kingdom of heaven lies within.” So if God is in heaven, He’s inside every one of us, even if we don’t believe. He’s there waiting for us to talk with Him. I think each of us is a spiritual being living a human experience, not vice versa. We are all spirits; each Spirit is within, where God is. My friend was with me in Spirit while she lived. Now that she’s no longer on earth, her Spirit is in heaven with God, which is within me. I guess this means nothing has changed spiritually. Her body has left, but she remains present in Spirit.

Another area I’ve come to understand is why we are here? Of course, this is only my concept; you can believe whatever you like. We are spirits placed here to learn lessons through service. The book of lessons has many pages. The Course in Miracles says, “Life is a series of lessons. We don’t get to choose the experience, but we do get to choose how we react to it.” I must learn all the lessons to become one with God. My Spirit may be in heaven with Him, but we are not entirely one as yet. We’re not separate just not one. Each lifetime there are lessons to learn. Once this Life’s mission is complete, and it may be when I’m 20 or 100, I will return to the source where I’ll be assigned new lessons and return to do it again. As I look at others, I do not know their lessons. It doesn’t matter to me. What’s important is that I know what’s on my path and learn every bit of what I am here to learn.

This makes more sense than the idea that we come here once, die, and live in heaven for eternity. Eternity is a long time, and one’s Life is so short. If one pass is all we get, what’s the real purpose of living this Life? I like my idea better.

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A Dog’s Life

Posted on October 16, 2024 by levasseurjohn

If you have a dog, you’ll understand where I come from. Some cat lovers get the same message, but not like a dog. I guess any pet you’re close to would be the same. If you’re not a pet lover, bear with me, you might still get the message.

She’s a 13-year-old Papillion named Cricket. Papillion is not a common breed, but she doesn’t know it. She’s smart, easy to care for, and adorable. She has enormous ears and looks somewhat like a small Collie. Alright, enough about what she looks like. The point is what she’s taught me over the years.

Like most in Recovery, Cricket needs lots of emotional support. In some programs, she would be seen as needy. Whenever I look behind me, there she is. I’ll give her a pat on the head, and she’s satisfied for a while. Do you know people are like that? Most AAs I know require attention, especially early in recovery, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Another cool thing about my dog is she doesn’t need a cell phone to call her mother or friends to chat. She has no credit cards, although when we go to PetSmart, she has no problem using mine. She has no driver’s license either. Of course, that would be silly as she couldn’t reach the peddles. However, she does love to pretend she’s driving when her head is out the window in the wind. It doesn’t matter if its winter or summer, in the wind is where she’s happy. When I drove a motorcycle, I experienced what she loves to do.

She hasn’t a clue if there’s any food in the cupboards or when we might get some. When Mosses was in the desert, God told him not to save food as it would be provided. Somehow, Cricket knows that. She does have health insurance, and it’s a lot cheaper than mine. Her simple life screams, One Day at a Time. Why can’t I live my life like her?

The simple truth is I can if I trust that God will not give me any more than I can handle for today.  Looking back over the years of trusting God, I never was hungry or didn’t have a roof over my head. All the debt I’ve accumulated has been paid. All I had to do was trust. Cricket believes, so why is it that I forget and suffer needlessly? All I have to do is look behind me; all my answers are in these eleven pounds of fur.

God bless man’s best friend.

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Lessons from the Course in Miracles

Posted on October 7, 2024 by levasseurjohn

In 1965, “A Course in Miracles” started with the sudden decision of two people to join in a common goal. Their names were Helen Schucman, who channeled the material from what she says was the Holy Spirit, and William Thetford, who wrote and edited it. After a year, the collaborators published the book in 1977. Their names did not appear on the cover because Helen said the Course can and should stand independently. Its purpose is to provide a way in which some may find their Internal Teacher.

After reading and studying the Course, I’ve concluded that the main driving force comes from two fundamental ways of thinking: perception and knowledge of a few simple concepts.

Perception is inherently illusionary because it’s based upon interpretation, not in fact. Perception is founded on our belief in our separation from God and one another. From these flows a belief in evil, sin, guilt, fear, and scarcity. It is a world of appearances, of birth and death, and constant change.

The world of knowledge, on the other hand, is the truth. The Course teaches that reality, which reflects the fact, can be seen only through spiritual vision and not through the body’s eyes. The world of knowledge is one of unity, love, and abundance. The Course views reality as composed only of God’s thoughts, which are loving, constant, and eternal. Evil, sin, and guilt are regarded as misperceptions. Sin is considered to be a lack of love or a mistake calling for correction and love rather than for guilt and punishment.

My world is not real. It may seem concrete, but it only takes place in my mind with spirit. The outer is but a reflection of the inner. I do not see things as they are but as I think they are. The secret here is that I can change how I view any situation on the outside and change it anytime I want. My reality is the way it’s seen by me and only me.

There is no past or future, only the now. My past was created when the Ego placed what it thought into memory. It’s not necessarily right, true and correct. You cannot touch anything from the past, it’s all in thought. It may seem real, but it’s not. You can change the past any time you like. Just modify the way you think about a thing or situation, and you remake the past. Forgiveness is the tool in changing memories. The future is the same as the past. It’s the Ego, again, projecting the outcome based on what it thinks it knows today. The future is not real. It’s only a thought. I can change the way I look at the future at any time. It’s not real. Accepting that I do not have any control over the future helps as well as staying in the present moment. Enjoy what is now, not what was or what might be.

There is a God, and it loves me just the way I am. It’s always been inside ready to help if I only ask and listen.

If I keep my mind on the now and follow these ideas, my life will be much more pleasant knowing God is in charge, not me and what I think about is my present reality.

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Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.

Posted on September 11, 2024 by levasseurjohn

By now, most of us have a good idea of the neighbor Jesus was talking about. Your neighbor isn’t the family who lives next door. They aren’t the friends at work or the policeman on the corner. Your neighbor is everyone on the planet, all races, religions, ages, or political affiliations. It means everyone. He said I must love them all.

The second part of this commandment is usually skipped over. The primary focus is always on the neighbor, who says nothing about me or myself. The simple word AS is the key. In this context, the little word “as” means to be “the same.” So, I love my neighbor or everyone as much as I love myself. I don’t know about you, but for three-quarters of my life, I had no use for me. Respect didn’t exist, and hatred was more of what I felt all the time.

When I started the healing process, the repulsion gradually transformed into liking who I had become. That was as far as I could go. Anything more than liking the reflection in the mirror seemed a bit on the impossible side. Could I ever say I loved myself? I didn’t have an issue saying I loved my children or dog, but loving me didn’t feel right. While looking in the mirror, I asked, “If you can love another, why can’t you love yourself?” The answer didn’t come right away.

Love is a feeling that originates from deep inside. There cannot be any guilt or shame present as it stands in the way of love. I realized that I always told my children how much I loved them; there was never any feeling behind it. It wasn’t until I made amends with my son that he said, “I always knew you and Mom loved me, but I never felt it.” He couldn’t feel loved because I wasn’t giving it. I know now that I could never give away what I didn’t have; when Jesus said, “as thyself,” he was lighting the light so that I could see that I didn’t have any love inside me.

The answer to making the light brighter was through forgiveness. I needed to look at the person in the mirror and speak gently. I remembered everything I was sorry for and said, “I forgive you for being a bad father.” “I forgive you for being a lousy husband.” “I forgive you for being a lazy employee.” The list went on and on until the bucket was empty. My guilt has been transformed into love and directed toward my soul.

After many years, I can say, “I adore myself.” The saying, “I may not be much, but I am all I have,” applies to me. It sounds silly, but it isn’t. If I had never loved who I am, how could I expect to feel the love you may have for me? Love thy neighbor has a different meaning today. If you don’t love yourself, try telling that person in the mirror how you’re doing your best and that you are not such a bad person. Your love can also grow as a pinecone grows into a giant tree. Give yourself a chance to see who is inside that beautiful shell. You may learn to like and even love that person, as I have.

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The Old Me Sleeps Lightly

Posted on August 31, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Remember those old shortcomings or character defects we thought were put to bed? As it turns out, they don’t go away but sit in the back of our minds, waiting for an excuse to come out and shine. They’re still there, with all the destructive power they carried the first time. I dragged all my character flaws into sobriety, and every once in a while, I’m reminded how they never go away.

Today’s perfect example showed me just how lightly they sleep. I was shopping at a Family Dollar Store, making some weekly purchases. I pushed the yellow cart across the parking lot to my red Corvette convertible. After placing the contents in the trunk and pushing the cart behind the curb stone so it wouldn’t roll out into traffic, I sat behind the wheel. Along came this elderly lady who parked in the front row.  She walked in my direction. I figured she wanted to compliment me on what a beautiful car I was driving. Instead, she went to the back and wheeled the cart alongside, saying, “You lazy bastard. Why can’t you bring your cart back to the store?” That’s when my blood pressure, without my permission, started to climb. I remarked how it was hot and that the store had people to take care of the carts. Again, she said, “If you can’t bring the cart back, then maybe you shouldn’t bring it to your car!” The blood pressure went up ten more degrees, and things came out of my mouth that were never spoken in church. You could say I gave her a piece of my mind, big time. I drove away while we both continued to yell unpleasant obscenities at one another.

When I switch into rage mode, I want to roll back the clock and have a do-over. Later, I thought about how I could have handled the situation with love instead of confrontation, which didn’t make a winer out of anyone. I pray she’s blessed in the same way I am with the ability to self-examine my behavior. I used the Tenth Step to see where I was wrong promptly and immediately forgive myself for the unacceptable behavior. I hope she can do the same instead of going home and taking it out on her husband or pets. She was angry over something before coming into the parking lot. The cart was just an outlet for that anger. Unfortunately, I felt attacked instead of loved and acted out of EGO instead of love.

I felt less guilty after speaking at a meeting about my disappointment with my behavior. I’ve moved on, except to take a minute to write this down.

The story’s moral is that even though I’m 31 years sober, the old me still sleeps lightly.

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It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Posted on August 27, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Impulsive decision-making is rational human behavior. Not every sudden decision landed me in jail. Some spur-of-the-moment urges can be good, but acting before thinking can destroy chances for achieving life’s long-term goals. Sometimes, it’s the “little” quick decisions that can, because of unintended consequences, cause as much grief as the major ones.

Relationships are one area in life were acting quickly without thinking ahead can be too easy.  One impulsive “relationship decision” can put me in a hole that I can’t easily climb out of. I always look for the wrong attributes in a potential partner. Now I’ve changed my approach by saying to myself, “If we can’t carry on a conversation after sex, don’t go there in the first place.” This so far has served me well.

Before starting any relationship, make a conscious decision to take your time. If you are committed from the start to taking things slowly, you are far less likely to regret impulsive moves.

Hasty decisions for an alcoholic, like hanging out with the wrong crowd, could turn out badly. We all want to feel wanted and loved but need to watch who we associate with. We should have similar interests, or at least the other person should be someone to learn from.

Money is one of the easiest areas where impulsive decisions can get me in serious trouble. Debt is no joke when it can follow me wherever I go and take decades to pay off. Before making a purchase, I can ask myself if the item is a legitimate need or just another want. If it is actually a want rather than a need, I give myself time to think about it. I say, “If I really want this tomorrow, then I can come back.”

Credit cards make it dangerously easy to give in to impulsive shopping urges that can ultimately ruin me financially. Do I need as many credit cards as I may have? Am I putting things on the card just because I can? If so, I resolve to use cash as much as possible. If the money isn’t available for the must-have, the answer is I should wait until I have the finance.

We live in a very abundant society, and it’s not hard to decide if I want something to eat or drink in the spur of the moment. It smells and looks good; suddenly, it’s in the shopping cart or on my plate. My strategy for countering the urge to make that impulse purchase is to ask myself whether my body needs the dessert I want to buy—and the answer is always no.

Whether I like it or not, one key to a happy, successful life is the ability to stick to a schedule so I can reach my goals and not just randomly let impulses dictate my time. This is where impulsivity can get in the way, and not for the better. I can make a schedule and vow to stick with it.

Having a healthy sense of self can give me an idea of how much work is needed to change my impulsive habits. Some are more impulsive than others, and I can change if I know I’m prone to making hasty decisions without much thought. My suggestion was to map out the areas where it’s a real issue in my life.  Also, I need to identify situations where I’m most likely to make impulsive decisions. If I know what social situations are where I’m the most impulsive, I can commit to being more careful.

Impulsivity makes it not only hard to have a functional life; it’s also a sign that I could have a mental health condition such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Bipolar Disorder. If, when looking at my impulses, there is a pattern of regular impulsive decisions, I must seek appropriate mental health guidance or treatment.

For most of us, impulsive decisions stem directly from getting caught up in what we want right now without thinking ahead, never thinking about the potential consequences. 

How often have you had the reflective thought, “It seemed like a good idea at the time?”

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Good Grief

Posted on July 30, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Grief is a topic that only comes up when someone’s in crisis. Losing a wife, sister, mother, or pet can cause an individual to do things common sense overlooks. Understanding how the process works can help when you are going through it. Five stages must be addressed with each loss. There are no shortcuts or easy ways around it, but once you know where you are, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel much clearer. Here is a brief overview of the process:

Denial

The first reaction is to deny its reality. You might hear yourself saying, “This isn’t happening.” Denial is a defense mechanism. It’s a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

As denial wears off, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. Anger may be directed at our deceased loved one or God himself. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more upset. Go easy on yourself. You are not being punished, even if it feels that way.

Bargaining

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power to postpone the inevitable. “Please, God, bring them back, and I will be a better person.”

Depression

Sadness and regret dominate our emotions. We accept the loss, but the sadness is still overwhelming.

Acceptance

This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. It’s not a period of happiness but an acceptance of the loss.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions you’re going through. Friends and relatives can be there for you and help comfort you through this five-stage process. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting prolongs the natural process of healing.

Love, what it is, not what it’s not

Webster’s defines love as:

  1. Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

Or maternal love for a child.

  1. Attraction based on sexual desire.
  2. Lovers feel affection and tenderness.
  3. Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or interest in love for his old schoolmates

After reading this description of love, I still don’t know what love is. The Bible tries in its way in Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, boast, or be proud. It does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, and perseveres. Love never fails.

I’m even more confused after reading that. The above tells me what love isn’t or what it doesn’t do. It states how love protects, trusts, and perseveres. What does it mean?

In my 30 years in Recovery, I’ve read hundreds of books and attended another hundred lectures and seminars. I have assembled a group of thoughts about what I think love is all about. You may or may not agree with this conclusion, but this understanding is for me. If you receive any benefit from this explanation, then we are all better off that I’ve written it down.

Everyone agrees love is a strong feeling. It comes from within me. I feel the love from another. Could I feel love if I didn’t already have it in my heart? If I despise myself, can I feel love? Can I give something away which I don’t already possess? The simple answer is no, it can’t be done. I know because I lived it. I would tell my kids I loved them, but it was only a word. In later years, while making a 9th step amend to my son, he said, “I knew you loved me but never felt it.” Could he grow up as I did, not love himself, without a role model?

Love can only be received if you’re ready to accept it. It’s always on me, and the feeling is always inside me. I can tell you I love you, but a sense of connection can only be made if you’re receptive.

In conclusion, to feel love, you must love yourself. Love for oneself can only be achieved through forgiveness. Forgiveness comes about by recognizing your misgivings, looking in the mirror, and actually saying the words to yourself. It’s a process and takes time, but it only works if you do it.

Today, I feel loved and can try to describe to others what it feels like. We will make the connection if they are in the right place. If not, they are just words without meaning.

This may help you a little, as it helped me a lot.

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