The topic at yesterday’s meeting was “Turning my will and life over to the care of God.” It’s taken almost four decades to accomplish that simple task. A new member is typically still in a state of self-will, often seeking to exert control over their surroundings. I was, for the first three years, sober and attending meetings at least once a day. I believed in a God, just not one who would deal with me. After being raised in a church that preached that if I didn’t think the way they believed, hell was waiting. AA meetings were different. They only wanted me to desire not to drink while having an open mind. I was then informed that the decision was mine and mine alone. They did say how their path was the easier, softer way, but still, the choice was mine. I agreed to stop drinking, in the First Step, and to keep my mind open for what made sense.
It took many years before the light finally shone bright. It was a miracle of sorts that came my way. This is how my life changed for the better.
At three years sober, I was let go from a large company as they downsized. I was given a year’s severance with full pay and benefits. They also rolled out my 401(k), which contained almost $50,000. After taxes, there was thirty-five thousand left. I considered my various options and decided to start my own business. I came up with three options: a custom motorcycle shop, a computer store, or a self-help bookstore. At three years sober, I was out to save the world, so there was only one option. I moved 90 miles from my hometown, rented a building, and began filling it with books, bumper stickers, medallions, and all kinds of trinkets that alcoholics like to buy. At least, I thought they did. During my first week open, the register rang up $11.00 in sales. I organized a Grand Opening with a DJ, radio advertisements, and ten rather nice giveaways. I hadn’t given out enough raffle tickets for the prizes. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I continued for another three years while relocating the store two times.
When the store was completely out of cash, the heat shut off due to lack of payment, and the lights and phone barely hanging on. I was ready to quit, but I had no idea how to go about it. A friend suggested that I turn the entire problem over to God or my higher power. Before bedtime that evening, I did precisely that. By the way, I was living in the closet at the back of the store. I remember the words that came out of my mouth while on my knees, “Please, God, help me; I can’t do this anymore.” They were almost the exact words that I used after my first AA meeting, after not being able to stop drinking.
The following morning, I awoke to the sound of the phone ringing. On the other end of the line was a friend in my hometown. He said that he recently purchased a large two-story building in town and had several storefronts empty. He asked for my help to open a self-help bookstore. I said I would and would even sell him mine. He was all excited and said he would be right down. When I hung up the phone, I was shaking. I said out loud, “It works!” I had asked for help with a problem I had no answer for, and it came almost immediately. I could have never planned it that way. I realized there is a God, and He only wants me to ask in the right way.
Since that time, I have asked for His help many times when I was up against a wall with no answer of my own. Every time there was something I could do to remedy the situation, I just needed direction. Once again, I was given directions, and it turned out better than I could have imagined.
A year ago, my heart was giving out, and I needed a valve replacement. I turned my life over to the Cardiac Surgeon. Before the procedure, the doctor asked if he could say a prayer before starting. I don’t recall his exact words, as I was under anesthesia, but the procedure was successful. After two days at home, my heart began to stop for short periods. I would collapse and wake up a minute later, lying on the floor. After the second time, I was taken via ambulance to the ER for a pacemaker.
Once home, after the device was implanted in my chest, which was keeping me alive, I realized how I had turned my life over to a God whose ways I didn’t know, except that it did. For the first six months, I thought about it all the time. “What if the battery dies? What if it stops working?” I now had to trust this device to keep me alive without a thought. It’s been a year, and all is working as it should. Like God, I don’t think about it all the time, but I know God is working in the background and giving me another day to serve Him and my fellow alcoholics.
My God wants me to be Happy, Joyous, and Free.” Any misery that I have is of my own making. I learned that at a meeting and now use it all the time. You don’t have to believe anything, but a more gentle approach is available if you choose to give it a try. Remember that an open mind will find the correct answer. Listening to my EGO will only lead to another disaster. Today, I choose my Higher Power, whom I call God, as I know no one else on this planet has the name “God.” What do you have to lose?
Road To Recoveries 