Best Friend or Worst Enemy

Posted on June 7, 2024 by levasseurjohn

I was anything but my best friend in the first 42 years on this rock we call Earth. I could never seem to do anything right. I accomplished a few projects along the way but never hit the bullseye. Most of my decisions didn’t even hit the wall, never mind the target. I wasn’t happy, no matter what.

There came a time when I couldn’t take it anymore. I listened to a positive-speaking person, and he said, “Happiness is not something you find; it’s something you create.” That was probably the first baby step taken in my true recovery. Yes, I’d been sober for a while, but I was going nowhere inside my head. Another thing I heard which changed my direction was, “Even if you are on the right track unless you are moving, you’re still going to be hit by a train.”

It turns out that I had many character flaws or defects, as some call them. I never like recognizing any part of me as defective. God made me perfect, and I altered His creation with mistakes or sins. Actually, the word sin comes from the Middle Ages when a bowman shoots an arrow into a target. It was called a “sin” when he missed his mark. When I stopped seeing myself as flawed, my outlook started to change. I was just programmed wrong in childhood by two people who had not validated themselves, so they could not practice what they didn’t know. I made many mistakes. Most of the errors directly resulted from the way my personality was programmed. Like with a computer, applications make mistakes because of something a programmer wrote years ago. When found, the program is corrected and updated to fix the mistake. I can do that by myself with help. Once I recognize the trait I don’t like or is causing me harm, I can change it. It’s always easier if I’m working with someone who may have had a similar situation or knows someone who may have.

When I recognize one of these flaws, I first stop shining a negative light on it. I have known about it for many years and have been telling myself that I am a bad person due to my flaws. The sooner I stop the negative talk, the sooner the healing can occur. Negative talk creates negative feelings. It’s like beating yourself over the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you stop. The only person who can stop picking on me is me, not a friend, a relative, or my sponsor. It is up to me to recognize when I’m doing it and take a moment to shine a light on the good things I have done. At first, I didn’t think there were any good traits, but there were many.

The next thing was to trace the character flaw back to its root. One example for me is impatience. I couldn’t wait for the burger to be fully cooked. I would take it out before it was time and get upset with myself because the meat was not cooked enough. I wondered, what’s that all about? It turns out, I couldn’t count on my parents to follow through with anything in childhood. I would hear the promise, but the promise was always broken. This created the fear of being alone and not worth having anything good. As an adult, I assumed I had to get what I wanted immediately, as later wouldn’t come. It was a fear of being disappointed. That fear could be traced to many other character flaws. I had to realize that it would come if I wanted it to. I have control over my destiny, not my parents.

One exercise my hypnotherapist had me do was to write a letter as a sober adult to my damaged inner child. Believe it or not, there exists, in my mind, the energy created during my childhood. I called the inner me Little John. The letter went something like this.

“Little John, I am here to let you know I am sober now and love you. You have nothing to fear, and you can count on me to be there for you. What happened in the past is gone. We together can do anything. Whenever you feel afraid, remember how that is old thinking and now is now. Take this letter out and read it whenever you feel upset. Remember, I am here and love you. Your big self.” Once on paper, I tore off a corner of the letter and ate it. The symbolism of the letter, now a part of my heart, worked as an instrument of healing. When I felt uneasy about a situation, I would remind Little John to take out the letter and read it.

As an adult, I constantly remind myself that there is no fear in God’s hands. “Turn my will and life over to God” has a new meaning for me today. Like any other tool in the box, it’s only good when I’m using it.

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The Serenity Prayer in Action

Posted on June 5, 2024 by levasseurjohn

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer isn’t just a set of words; it’s a practical tool that can guide anyone in managing their thoughts and emotions throughout the day.

Every problem or situation, real or imagined, centers somewhere in my mind. All problems start and stop with a thought. What if I could look at my issues differently? What if I could see difficulties as challenges rather than someone or something out to get me?

The Course in Miracles says, “Life is a series of lessons. I don’t get to choose the lesson, but I do get to choose how I react to it.” Does this mean it’s more about my reaction than the problem itself?

Max Planck, the German theoretical physicist who originated quantum theory in 1918, stated, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This not only applies to quantum physics but also to my daily thoughts. Have you ever noticed that when a problem is considered from a different angle or after sharing it with another person, it isn’t as big as it seems?

I guess it’s time to ask, “Now that I know my problems are all in my head, what do I do about them?”

The answer is to observe my thinking. Inside my inner world, more than one thing happens at the same time. First, there’s “The Thinker or EGO.” That is where all the chatter comes from. Then there is “The Observer.” The Observer sits off to one side and watches what’s happening with “The Thinker.” Then there is “My True Self.” This is where I make decisions and act. I’ve trained myself to step into “The Observer” role and watch what is going on with the other two. Once in “The Observer”, it’s easier to guide “My True Self” in a healthier direction and implement the Serenity Prayer. This prayer has three sections. Once the issue is observed, all sections can be called into action. I might write down the things I cannot control. Then, write about the things I have influence over. Knowing the difference allows “The Observer” to guide “My True Self.” in making the right decision.

This process may sound confusing at first, but rest assured: Once mastered, you’re thinking process will be revolutionized. Your rambling mind will come under control, and your ‘True Self’ will sense the Serenity we ask God to grant us. It’s a simple yet powerful practice that can profoundly change your life.

Don’t just read about it. Put this concept into action every day for a week and witness the potential for peace to enter your mind. So, what do you have to lose? It’s your choice to invite Serenity into your life or not! There is the old saying, “Misery loves company.” Does your misery love having you around? Mine doesn’t, because I choose Serenity instead.

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Navigating Life

Posted on June 2, 2024 by levasseurjohn

During this morning’s AA meeting, today’s topic guided me into writing this article. What came to mind didn’t have anything to do with the reading, but sometimes, that’s the way my mind works. It has a way of getting me to think in ways that helps me understand complicated issues. My Zodiac sign is Pisces, since I began this life in March; my thinking differs from most. We are a very visual group. Just reading the words doesn’t convey the message. I need to visualize or see a story attached to the idea, and then I can understand. It was like that today.

During the meeting, while others were speaking and I should have been listening, I pictured the navigation application on my cell phone called Waze. It’s a free program that gets me where I want to go. I think most of us have one of these applications. My mind compares that app to the program of recovery. First of all it is something outside of me that’s designed to help me navigate to a destination, and it’s free. The AA program does that.

Waze shows me where I am starting from, and how long it will take to reach my destination. Along the road, it shows me where the hidden obstacles are, such as ruts in the road, where the police are hiding, broken down vehicles, and even where the best restaurants, or in my case, ice cream shops are located. A good AA sponsor will tell me where the pitfalls are as I go along my recovery road. My sponsor knows because he’s experienced many of them or is aware of someone who has. As I travel toward the goal, Waze shows me where to turn and the distance to the next rest stop. My sponsor has often told me, “Don’t do that.” Sometimes, I listen; while others I need to experience it myself and endure the pain. Waze also allows me to turn off the path and navigate myself. It may tell me to make a U-turn, or it will direct me through some neighborhoods that I shouldn’t be in, but eventually, it will suggest a route that will put me back on the best road.

My sponsor is usually right all the time, so if I want the easier, softer way, I must listen to him. Waze will also show the road in red, meaning the traffic is heavy or stopped. Through others’ experiences, the program again shows me the easier, softer way. I can wait in line with others or take the alternant road which is suggested. It may take longer, but I will arrive safer.

It’s up to me to pay attention to what others are saying and especially seek advice from my sponsor when I embark on a journey where I have no experience. I still, after three decades of practicing this stuff, go off on my own to learn a new lesson which usually has emotional or financial pain attached to it. You have a choice: choose the least painful road or like many before you have done, suffer.

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How to Deal with Difficult People

Posted on May 31, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Difficult people can be a lifelong curse. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have at least one person within shouting distance who they could live without. It might be the checkout clerk at the grocery store, in a non-profit where you are a trustee or even your neighbor. They could also hide at work, church, or even your immediate family.

We all know who these people are, and while I try to keep my distance, they inevitably find their way into my inner circle with their primary purpose of pushing my buttons. They even managed to find the buttons I didn’t know I had. Patience and self-awareness are crucial tools in dealing with these troubled individuals, even if it doesn’t always yield immediate results. Patience in particular, can be a powerful force in encouraging these individuals to look within themselves to understand what’s causing their own unhappiness. God forbid, it could even be me who is troubling them.

In my search for a more manageable way to handle difficult individuals, I’ve discovered a powerful solution and it starts with me. The less I appreciate who I am, the more challenging these people become. However, once I embark on a journey of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance, I begin to truly love myself. This newfound self-love has had a profound impact on my interactions with difficult people. They no longer appear as frequently, and when they do, I find myself handling them with much more grace and ease.

At some point, it may be necessary to confront an individual if you can’t get away from them altogether. I use a straightforward method. First, I bring to their attention one positive trait about them. Once comfortable, I address my concerns and follow up with positive remarks. This way, they are kept off guard and can’t get defensive immediately. Finishing on a positive note leaves them feeling okay for the moment. Now, the difficult person has one of your concerns to work on. This method works nine out of ten times. When it doesn’t, the correct thing to do is bow out as gracefully as possible and give it a try another day. It may be they have a difficult person in their life to deal with which I have no control over.

One of the difficult persons in my life is a big mouth who likes to dominate the meetings. He is always trying to hustle the young girls while sponsoring a dozen men. When I see him come through the door, I want to leave. Then he sits with all the men he sponsors. It was then that I realized that I was sitting by myself. Who is the one who may be doing the right thing? He might be right and I’m not. It gives me something to look at. Expectations can be a big problem for me. There is always two sides to every coin. The good news is, I don’t have to be around that person and if I work on my own shortcomings the other persons may not be as glaring after all, it’s all about becoming a better me.

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Why is My Plate so Full?

Posted on May 30, 2024 by levasseurjohn

It matters not the extent of your education, how many years you’ve been sober, or the number of your last birthday; we all have cried out at some point, “Why is my life such a mess?”

For years, I stared at the problems, and the problems grew. I followed friends at work, church, or on the softball team who had more things going in their lives, and they handled their situations much smoother than I did. My solution was to do it all right now. With this approach, projects overlapped in my mind. My thinking was too scattered to see the solution, while others could see it naturally.

Finally, I asked one of my calm friends, “How do you do it?” The answer was simple. Why hadn’t I seen it all along?

He said, “First, buy a whiteboard and a dry-erase marker and hang it up where you can see it.”

He said I should use the marker to list the projects that were coming from all directions, placing each in its column. Once completed, I could read the list to see what items belonged to me.

A few of my troubles included, “My daughter is driving drunk several times a week.” “A few of my friends were let go from work last month. What are they going to do?” “My wife has a pain in her chest. What if it’s cancer?”  For each of these, I place them on the board under the heading “NOT ME.” 

He asked the remaining items on the list, “Which of these has no solutions within your present circumstance?” I was to move those to the bottom with the others and head that column, “NO CONTROL.” By now, you will only have things on the board under “ME.” It’s those problems that I need to find answers for. He suggested that I even use a separate whiteboard for JUST ME items.

Let it rest for a few days, remembering how the whiteboard has the problems now, and I no longer need to stress over them. The mind will want to continue controlling everything, but keep reminding yourself about the whiteboard. You might even look at the “ME” list and ask God for guidance in planning solutions for each item.

Pick one of the simple one’s. Maybe “Clean the basement.” Under that heading, write the day you plan to attack the cleanup and list what you may need, like trash bags. Please don’t wait; you only need to focus on one thing. The whiteboard is holding the others for when you have the time. Focus your attention on the task at hand and finish it. Once complete, go to the board and strike through that item. Leave it up for a while so you can see how you are progressing.

Now, look at the board for the next project, which has a beginning and an end. Again, write down when you will do it and what you need.

As the projects get harder, it may take longer, or you may wait for something else to happen. For those times, stop and let the whiteboard keep track of where you are. Then move to another.

Before you know it, the stress will be gone, and the board will be empty. As new projects come to mind, see if they belong on the second board of things that don’t belong to you.

I have been doing this for fifteen years, and my life is primarily stress-free as long as I continue using my dry-erase marker. This method has worked for me but may differ from what you seek. What do you have to lose? The cost of a chalkboard is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

If I do a little each day, a lot will get done.

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Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.

Posted on May 27, 2024 by levasseurjohn

By now, most of us have a good idea of the neighbor Jesus was talking about. Your neighbor isn’t the family who lives next door. They aren’t the friends at work or the policeman on the corner. Your neighbor is everyone on the planet, all races, religions, ages, or political affiliations. It means everyone. He said I must love them all. It cannot be accessible at times, at least for you and me.

The second part of this commandment is usually skipped over. The primary focus is always on the neighbor and says nothing about myself or me. The simple word AS is the key. In this context, the little word “as” means to be “the same.” So, I love my neighbor or everyone as much as I love myself. I don’t know about you, but for three-quarters of my life, I had no use for me. Respect didn’t exist, and hatred was more of what I felt all the time.

When I started the healing process, the repulsion gradually transformed into liking who I had become. That was as far as I could go. Anything more than liking the reflection in the mirror seemed a bit on the impossible side. Could I ever say I loved myself? I didn’t have an issue saying I loved my children or dog, but loving me didn’t feel right. While looking in the mirror, I asked, “If you can love another, why can’t you love yourself?” The answer didn’t come right away.

Love is a feeling that originates from deep inside. There cannot be any guilt or shame present as it stands in the way of love. I realized that all the time I told my children how much I loved them; there was never any feeling behind it. It wasn’t until I made amends with my son that he said, “I always knew you and Mom loved me, but I never felt it.” He couldn’t feel loved because I wasn’t giving it. I know now that I could never give away what I didn’t have. When Jesus said, “as thyself,” he was lighting the light so that I could see that I didn’t have any love inside me.

The answer to making the light brighter was through forgiveness. I needed to look at the person in the mirror and speak gently. I remembered everything I was sorry for and said, “I forgive you for being a bad father.” “I forgive you for being a lousy husband.” “I forgive you for being a lazy employee.” The list went on and on until the bucket was empty. My guilt has been transformed into love and directed toward my soul.

After many years, I can honestly say, “I adore myself.” The saying, “I may not be much, but I am all that I have,” applies to me. It sounds silly, but it really isn’t. If I never loved who I am, how can I expect to feel the love you may have for me. Love thy neighbor has a totally different meaning today. If you don’t love yourself, try just saying to that person in the mirror how you’re doing the best you can, and how you are not such a bad person after all. Like a pine cone grows into a giant tree, your love can grow as well. Give yourself a chance to see who is inside that beautiful shell. Who knows, you may learn to like and even love that person, as I have.

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Why Does it Happen to Me?

Posted on May 24, 2024 by levasseurjohn

On a tragic day, I asked God the question, “Why?” It involved my firstborn son, who was deformed and only lived for a few hours. I asked, “God, why did you have to take such a beautiful soul without giving him a chance at life? Why not take a sinner like me?” It was much later, when I finally sobered up, that the answer came. It was a still, small voice, and the answer wasn’t what I expected. The voice said, “You know that bumper sticker you see on some cars, ‘Shit Happens,’ well that one is mine.” The message said that God has nothing to do in most bad situations. Later, I was given more information in meditation, which tied the question and answer together. In the case of my son, it was his mother’s free will to abuse her body while he was forming. His cells replicated to the point where his body was not fully formed. 

One of our most precious gifts, or it may be a curse, is free will. There are situations where I can go one way or another. Each way has its path, which leads to different outcomes. The road I chose to go down, through free will, is how my life will unfold, and it’s not only a mental outcome but a physical one as well. When I choose a terrible way of life, my body will pay the price. Sometimes, it’s not directly my fault.

It seems that when I was a baby, the cells of my body were divided in two sections and copied precisely. While very young, I remained perfect and could live forever; free will stepped in. My parents used their best judgment at the time and raised me on processed baby food. Over time, the ingredients caused cell damage, which was very slight at first but still damaged. The once-perfect cells became defective, so they copied the defects into the new cells when they divided. This process happened over and over as I grew into adulthood. It was then that I found fast foods, alcohol, and drugs. Whenever I put a foreign substance in my body, the cells continued to be damaged. Alcohol, drugs, overeating and smoking a pack a day for 25 years was what I chose to do to myself and after many years of abuse the damage is done. I now suffer the consequences of my actions. The result is I have, heart problems, kidney disease, COPD, and many other destructive ailments. Bad cells are all I have left. They continue to replicate more damaged cells, and it all starts with free will.

Today, I know that whatever direction my physical or mental health has taken is because of many bad decisions along the way. It’s got nothing to do with God. God wants us to be Happy, Joyous, and Free. In the Acceptance passage, Doctor Paul adds, “But our misery is of our own making.”

So, before you blame God for any situation you may be in, think about how you may have used your free will in the wrong way. It’s never too late to save what’s left. I know that I will not live to 100, but I will do my best with the time I have left.

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Taking Time for Me

Posted on May 18, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Taking time for me is a topic which is scarcely talked about, and few articles or books are written on the subject. The AA program leans toward me being self-centered or selfish if I put myself first. To stay sober for many years, I have always needed to put myself first. The airline stewardess explains in her flight instructions, “If the plane loses pressurization, the oxygen masks will deploy. Place the mask over your mouth first, then your children.” If you don’t care for yourself, there will be nothing left to give others.

In recovery, when it comes to my needs, I always put myself first. I won’t be able to function if I don’t have a roof over my head, food in the refrigerator, and a car to take me to meetings. If I choose, I can get by, but not at a level where I can help anyone else. 

When it’s said in meetings, “The newcomer is the most important person in the room,” they are first, but after me. If I’m not the number one person in my life, there will be no second to give away. It still sounds self-centered, but in order of importance, it is second only to not drinking. Yes, God is also number one in my life,

The Bible says to, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The word as in this context means the same as. I can’t give away what I don’t have. If there is no love for myself, how can I give it to anyone else? I can say the words, but there is no feelings behind them. 

I started looking in the bathroom mirror while having a heart-to-heart talk with myself. I would write on the mirror with a magic marker, “I love you,” “You are forgiven,” and “God loves you.” I could site more, or you can figure out some of your own. I look straight into my eyes and say those words. I need to be serious and mean what I’m saying. I didn’t feel anything initially, but the results started coming as I continued the exercise.

Today I can actually say that I love myself. My Inner Child has been at peace and quiet for many years. This is truly what being, “Happy Joyous and Free,” means to me.

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Can Love Be Described?

Posted on May 12, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Have you ever tried to explain your understanding of love? If you have, you’re probably amazed at how little you actually know about that simple word. Love has only four letters, but it’s very complicated. It could be compared to understanding how infinite the Universe is. The Universe extends outward forever while being infinite in time. So we try to explain, two infinite equations, multiplied by each other. How can we ever reach an answer when there isn’t one?

We’re capable of loving one who has passed, perhaps many years ago. Their love for us is still vivid as our love for them. We can also love someone with passion who’s located on the other side of the world as if they were still standing in front of us.

Corinthians 13:4-84 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

When I read that verse, I have an idea what love isn’t and a few words saying what it always is, but still no idea of love.

I believe love was a gift from God in the beginning. It’s said to have started with Adam and Eve. Now I’m beginning to understand what I don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain God with words and it’s never worked. I think love is in the same category as God. It’s a knowing, a feeling experienced by each one of us who’s found that power and knows it’s inside as well as around. God and love are manifested in nature. The flower has God and love along with every other creature. Love transcends the dimension of time and space.

In conclusion, love cannot be explained with words. If you feel it, you know it’s real. The same is with God.

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There Are No Shortcuts

Posted on May 6, 2024 by levasseurjohn

In early sobriety, the first three months anyway, I revered most of the happy faces I saw in meetings. They acted as if there was nothing to fear and everything to love. I was far from where they were and would express it when asked to share. There were some meetings where I would be left behind, as the chair knew my message. It was always the same: about being a victim and how my new life directly reflected my old one. Nothing had changed.
      Then came the meeting, which changed my outlook on life. You see, I’m a Pisces by birth. One of the personality traits of being born in March is we need to see things before believing them. After the meeting, a member sat me down with a picture that put everything in perspective. It showed a small river with two banks. There were twelve stones to cross the river. He said how being on one bank was my old life. The fear of losing my job, family, and myself in the bottle all resided there. Peace, harmony, prosperity, serenity, and happiness are experienced on the other side of the river, where the smiling faces live. He said how each rock was like one of the steps. When I am on the first rock or step, all I can see is what is behind me. He said there would be times when I would think about returning to what was familiar. He explained how the secret was to keep stepping on each stone in front of me. He then said that once I got closer to the other shore, it would become evident that the Promises of AA were coming true. He then reminded me how there is work to do at each step before stepping off to the next.
      The good news is the old way of living will become a memory, and the new way will be so exciting as each new door is unlocked. Behind each one is the dream I never knew existed outside of my addiction.
      I will forever be grateful for him showing me that picture and explaining how what I thought was impossible is now a reality. I dared to take that first step of willingness and belief in how others felt the process worked.
  Thank you God, for taking me where I did not want to go.

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