AAs and Etiquette

Posted on July 24, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Relationships are something we can’t avoid. You must be in contact with people at some point in the day or week to survive. In AA, we believe everyone needs help to make it. In thirty years of attending meetings regularly, I have only known people who stayed sober, with recovering people helping them. Later, as the new person acquires some experience and knowledge of how others have stayed sober, it becomes time for them to branch out and begin helping others. To accomplish this, we need to know a little about how to treat others and be genuinely concerned about all AAs.

First and foremost, it’s crucial to make the new person feel at home. A single individual can take the initiative to approach the new person, engage in conversation, and guide them to the coffee, snacks, and bathrooms. An introduction to the essence of the meetings could be beneficial. Subsequently, the new person should be introduced to someone of the same sex and age. It’s all too common for the new person to be left alone while the AA cliques engage in their own conversations, often forgetting the significance of the new person in the room. This sense of inclusion is vital to their journey.

Treating the new person as someone special should not be carried to the extreme, either. Having a Step One meeting is good, but when sharing our experience, we should avoid looking directly at the new person. We should not point the discussion at them, which is cross-talk and discouraged. If people in my first meeting focused the spotlight on me, I might have walked out. Instead, those who shared addressed the group.

While we’re at it, let’s not forget the person with sobriety who is attending our meeting for the first time. They may feel just as disconnected as the new person. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been snubbed at meetings while groups of friends gathered in the corner. Old timers need attention too.

Another form of lousy etiquette is interrupting other conversations. Have you ever been talking with another AA when a third person interrupts and starts talking with the person you were sharing with? I have, and it’s happening way too often. My mother would tell me immediately if I interrupted her conversations, saying, “It’s rude to interrupt.” Some AAs have never learned that, but as adults, we should be responsible for respecting others. My input doesn’t count when it happens to me; the other person is more important. Most AAs are sensitive by nature and upset when our boundaries are not respected.

When engaging in a conversation with several people, it’s important to acknowledge everyone in the circle. Omitting someone is akin to snubbing them, a feeling I’ve experienced and found unpleasant. I’ve had to restrain my reaction to avoid further embarrassment. No one among us is more important than the other. Even if you don’t agree or particularly like an individual, a simple head nod can go a long way in showing that they are acknowledged and respected.

By making a conscious effort to understand and practice proper etiquette, we can significantly enhance the sense of belonging for all of us. This will help us feel like we are part of something bigger, not just a few. It’s about creating a community where everyone feels connected and valued.

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Willing to go to Any Lengths

Posted on July 17, 2024 by levasseurjohn

In early recovery, the first month anyway, I thought the first line of “How It Works” read, “Rarely have we seen a person thoroughly follow our path.” I was dubious about staying stopped from the drinking thing. Then came the reading, “At some of these, we balked.” Not following baseball that closely, I didn’t know the word’s meaning. Did people walk around like chickens saying, “balk, balk, balk?” It didn’t make sense, but I wouldn’t ask. You are probably getting the idea that I wanted to do it my way.  In those early days, the deck felt stacked against me. Only by the Grace of God did I stay sober and not hurt myself. I did everything the way I thought it should be, and my way did get me in a lot of jackpots that were not necessary, or maybe they were.

In those early years, I got involved with the running of a sober club, married for a Wapping 52 days to a woman 20 years younger and one who didn’t even like men. I believed I could cure her.

At seven years sober, I started a self-help bookstore named, “Journey to Serenity.” The store name described my journey, which lasted three years before bankruptcy. Once again, several friends suggested that I may need more time to be ready for such an undertaking. I would listen to some old-timers calling what I was practicing “Slowbriety.” One day, a much older woman told me I would go backward if I went any slower. Little did I know how right she was.

At ten years sober and still practicing “my” program in place of “the” program, I put a gun to my head. I didn’t want to die, but I wanted the torment going on in my mind to stop. It was then that I read for the first-time page 92 in the step book, “Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.” I called the next day to the person I was calling my temporary sponsor and admitted what I planned the night before. He agreed that my troubles were deep and that a professional could help me.

In desperation, I went out the back door of the sober club, crossed the street, and entered a counseling center. Sitting at the front desk was an attractive young lady. She asked, “Can I help you?” The words came out of my mouth, “I need help.” She instructed me into an office off the entryway. We sat, and she asked, “Why do you think you need therapy?” I commenced to unload my fifth step with her, although I hadn’t done a fourth step yet. I went on and on with my life history for fifteen minutes. She listened intensively and then interrupted, “Okay, enough; I will schedule you to see a therapist.” I was shaken and replied, “Aren’t you my therapist?” I will never forget what she said. “No, I am the receptionist, and my only duty is to ask you one question. We will be in touch.”

Terrified of what I had revealed to a stranger, I went back to the sober club and told them what had happened. They all had a good laugh at me. After working with a good addiction therapist for over a year, I began to feel the dark veil lifting. I went on for another four years with four other therapists. I would first move to a new location, find where the meetings were, and then find a good counselor.

The road I traveled early on is undoubtedly the less traveled path, but I especially remain sober. I attribute it to a power greater than I and surrendering to the idea that I can never drink again if I wanted the wonderful life I had found. Thank you, AA, and that great power behind it all.

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It’s all about ME

Posted on July 13, 2024 by levasseurjohn

That is a true statement because it must be all about me. If it’s not, I’m screwed. The statement I hear at AA meetings always says, “The new person is the most important person in the room.” That’s right to a point. The new person is the most important, after me! I must be number one in my life if I’m to remain sober and have a reasonable chance of staying that way, along with living the good life.

I know this idea upsets some of the old-timers. Some feel differently, but this is how I feel, and it’s served me well for three consecutive decades of recovery.

When we read the AA Preamble at the beginning of every meeting, it states, “Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.” Number one, I must stay away from drugs and alcohol. To reach that goal, I must focus on growing and changing in line with spiritual principles. 

Thank God, someone made me feel important when I entered the rooms. As a new person, I quickly realized that if I didn’t put my sobriety ahead of everything else, family, jobs, and friends, I was destined to fail. I didn’t want it to happen, so my philosophy changed to, “My sobriety is first, and everything else falls in after that.”

I came to AA from a very dark place, and that place is waiting for me should I ever forget who I am. I’m in trouble if my priorities focus on other than God and sobriety.

I pray that the God of my understanding helps me never to forget where I came from and allows me to give back a few of the gifts I have received by staying sober.

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“Who’s Suffering in Your Resentment?”

Posted on July 7, 2024 by levasseurjohn

That question was asked by a friend who watched me carry an enormous resentment far longer than necessary. It’s never required.

I haven’t told this story to many because it’s embarrassing to think it took me so long to learn something most people learn early in life. This lesson happened when I was eight years sober. Most would say I should have known by then all there is to know about disliking someone to the point where I suffer. I didn’t see it and wasn’t about to ask.

Toward the end of a two-year relationship, the road became very rough. We argued at least once a week and had been engaged seven times by then. We both should have seen the writing on the wall. I was blinded by what I thought was love, but instead, lust or neediness on my part. We both knew it was over, but she didn’t have the money to rent her apartment, which she did have before I rode into town on my white horse to rescue her.

When the final straw was reached, I told her to move within two weeks, or I was putting her stuff in the street. When I returned the next day from work, a police car was in the driveway. My first thought was she may have hurt herself. An officer came out and handed me a piece of paper, a restraining order. I could only retrieve a handful of possessions. I was out of my own home. I moved in with a friend and two weeks later rented an apartment. At the end of the lease, she moved into an apartment of her own for which I paid the security deposit. I still didn’t want to accept the relationship was over.

She started seeing her bartender, a guy named John. He drove a white van. I would attend an AA meeting near her house and see the van parked outside her place. I didn’t look at it as stocking but as keeping the resentment growing. This behavior went on for several months until I had to make a physical change. At the time, the company I had worked for was closing my division and offered me ten months’ severance in a lump sum, which I grabbed up.

Being on my own, knowing I had to break that connection to the resentment, I moved ninety miles away and opened my own business. I had no contact with her for two years, and then she called. She said she had cancer and only three months to live. I journeyed to her apartment, where the white van was parked out front. It still made my heart race seeing it, even after two years.

After a brief how-do-you-do and telling her how sorry I was about her situation, I asked the whereabouts of her friend John.

I about hit the floor when she said, “John died of a heart attack a month after we started dating.”

In shock, I asked, “What about the van out front?”

She replied, “John’s family gave me his van because I didn’t have a car.”

I came to the harsh reality that I had been carrying resentment for the past two years against a dead guy. What a complete waste of time and energy that was.

We all have lessons to learn, but you don’t have to do it the slow way I did. Today, I don’t wait a single day to relieve resentment. I have realized the hard way that “I am the one who suffers,” and I don’t like suffering. Pain, yes, I can deal with that, but suffering is a luxury best left to those more capable of handling it.

Today, after thirty years sober, I can laugh at this experience. Thank God I learned that lesson and reminded myself that “Carrying resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other guy to die.” Who’s the one who suffers?

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The Ripple Effect

Posted on July 6, 2024 by levasseurjohn

When I first heard the saying “The Ripple Effect,” my first thought was rippling wine, which was one of my favorites as it was cheap. It left me with terrible hangovers, as there was a price to pay. I found out later that was not what they were talking about. It’s the ripples in the water. Once again, the thought of skipping a rock across a smooth pond came to mind. That was me, bouncing into different people’s lives, leaving them a mess like the pond’s surface. Once again, there was a different explanation that the old timers had in mind.

I was told that life around me is like a pond’s smooth surface. That is when I am dropped into the water with a big splash. The results of my actions can be felt from one end of the pond to the other as the rings of the splash move outward. Immediate circles have the most disruption; the further you go, the less disruption you get.

It was further explained that sometimes, the circles strike an object and bounce back toward me. The object may be the police, my ex-wife, an old debt, or charges I skipped out on. It doesn’t matter what changes the direction of the wave; it comes back to get me at some point. The idea is to be sober and work on my shortcomings so they won’t come back to bite me.

The same analogy can be used in my sober life; only then is the splash different. Today, the ripples I send out sober are ones of forgiveness and love. It’s the same action but entirely different outcomes as the obstacles have been lifted out of the pond, and my positive message radiates to others and on to even more people. You never know how many people you will affect when something is dropped into the pond. Make sure it’s from your heart and not the EGO. I must never forget that whatever I say can be passed on and on and on.

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Speak from Your Heart

Posted on June 24, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Off we go again on another one of my mind-bending journeys. What is Truth? It sounds simple, but is it? The dictionary says, “True or by fact or reality.” Another is “a fact or belief accepted as true.” Are these two definitions an accurate representation of actual truth? I say no and probably a hundred definitions do not represent the word.

Consider this: the truth, in essence, is what you perceive it to be. It is not a universal constant, like white or black. White remains white, regardless of perspective. Two individuals can observe the same sheet of paper, and both will affirm its whiteness. Even a color-blind person, upon being informed of the paper’s color, will interpret it based on their perception.

Let’s delve into a contemporary example. In today’s political climate, two individuals from the extreme ends of a political spectrum can witness the same event. Yet, their beliefs lead them to perceive a 180-degree difference in what they consider the truth. Each will vehemently argue their stance, convinced of their rightness and the other’s wrongness. In their context, they are both correct as well as wrong. This idea underscores that truth is a construct of our minds, and we will hold onto our beliefs until the end or at least our time.

So, if that is true, I guess there isn’t any truth unless it comes from God, and how do I know what God’s truth is? I can only say how I do it. First, I must stop and shut out the outside world. Meditations works or just sit quiet. It’s then that I think about what the truth is. Almost immediately, I go to my heart. I focus on that part of my body. “What does my heart say?” Our heart’s anatomy consists of 40,000 cells which are the same as brain cells. The heart can think. That explains a lot of expressions I learned over the years. The heart only expresses love. Love originates there. Intuition comes from the same place. I have heard that I try to connect my heart and brain. With the ability to think without all the brain clutter, the heart is a translator of God’s words. God expresses it as a feeling. If it feels right, it probably is. Wrong intuition means I must look at the truth as it should be.  

I don’t know how often I had that bad feeling in my heart, and did it anyway. It always turned out poorly.

I hope you are less confused than when we started. It makes sense to me, and that is the truth!

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Stage II Recovery

Posted on June 22, 2024 by levasseurjohn

In a meeting the other day, someone said in an angry tone, “Oh, another psychology session!” The topic was dealing with anger and fear. My first reaction was to comment, but I remember the phrase, “restraint of pen and tough.” In this case, my opinion would not have been constructive. I’m reminded how we are all entitled to our own views, even if that opinion doesn’t live up to what I expect. So, for the next half hour, I pondered what to do. The first EGO response was to comment and leave, as this would not be productive for me as I was festering resentment. By keeping quiet and not responding, I was giving myself a chance to look at myself with the knowledge of 37 years of listening at meetings, reading dozens of addiction recovery books, listening to hundreds of speakers on and off the internet, and writing nine books. You would think I could jump into “recovery mode” and say the perfect things to express my feelings.

Let me back up a bit to how this all started. I firmly believe in the ideas of our forefathers like Earnie Larson. He wrote many great books, but the one I like the most is, “Stage II Recovery, Life Beyond Addiction.” Ernie said, “I have two problems. Problem A is my Alcoholism, and problem B is all the rest of the stuff.” He said, “If I don’t care for problem B, problem A will take care of it.” He was saying how I needed to find a way to deal with life as it unfolded, or I would go back to my primary addiction, which for me was alcohol. How do I learn to deal with life on life’s terms if not by being taught by my peers? What better place to learn than at an AA or other addictions-related meeting?

Problem A has long since been moved to the back burner. I know it is always there to ruin my life once again, but as long as I’m aware of the temptations and triggers of my addiction, I have a chance. I don’t consider a topic about fixing those flaws, which may cause me to slip as being a meeting on Psychobabble. It’s a meeting on finding and shining a light on ideas from old-timers. Of course, we all have grown to where we are today from those who cleared the road before us.

Although I disagree with keeping the meeting just on alcohol, I needed to find a solution to all the other stuff way before alcohol seemed like the only solution.

If you are at a meeting and you disagree with what others are saying or what the topic is, remember that you are not the only person looking for answers, and this meeting may not be the one for you. Someone else may be hanging on the edge of their chair, taking it all in. It took me hundreds of meetings to figure that one out. I didn’t want to give in to the idea that “I am not the center of the universe.” I am only a “Legend in my mind,” and half the room may not have transcended those thoughts. Now that I believe that I am well into Stage II Recovery, I have only just begun the journey. More will be revealed.

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Be careful what you pray for.

Posted on June 19, 2024 by levasseurjohn

God, the Holy Spirit, and the Universe are always listening. They don’t listen to the words coming out of our mouths; rather, they listen to the voices in our hearts. When distressed, I am an expert at smiling and saying, “I am doing fine.” Those who know me better than I know myself will call me on my stuff. I’ve often heard, “You should tell your face how good you are doing because it doesn’t know.” Thank God for those in my life who I can’t fool. As for the rest, they nod their heads and turn away.

Whenever I communicate with God through feelings, my prayers are always answered. I speak with my inner voice, and I know it’s so because my emotions are always involved.

A recent prayer proved this theory once again. I had a toothache for three days until I couldn’t take it anymore. The over-the-counter painkillers were not working. At the dentist’s office, they injected six shots to numb the tooth so it could be removed. The pain was still so intense the tooth could not be pulled. The doctor gave me an antibiotic, and we concluded that all my teeth needed to come out, and dentures were my only solution. I signed up, gave them my credit card, and made an appointment. The antibiotic worked after two more days, and the pain went away. Now, I faced the decision to have them all pulled. Before this, I hadn’t been to the dentist in fifty years, all due to fear. I am one of those who are terrified when it comes to teeth. I have faced many life-threatening severe situations in my life, and going to the dentist heads the list.

As the time drew near, I started to chicken out. On the morning of the surgery, I awoke thinking of any excuse for not going. My thoughts had an abundance of feelings, mostly fear. After drinking my coffee, I checked my phone, and there was a message only ten minutes before to call the dentist’s office. When I called, the receptionist said that the new temporary dentures were not ready, and they could not pull my teeth that day. I was so relieved. After thinking about it, I realized that my thoughts and feelings were seen as a prayer and answered. I am writing about this the next day; if I hadn’t prayed to put the procedure off, it would be over. Now, I must go through another week of fear and anxiety.

God is always listening. My mood and attitude could also be considered a prayer. When I complain, there are always feelings involved. Once I find myself in that negative space, I want more. Negative attracts negative. Could it be that I am asking God for something to happen that I don’t like? That is the case. The saying, “Bad things come in threes,” is one example of setting up my expectations. The language of the heart, emotions, and feelings can sometimes be mistaken for prayer. When I am in a sour mood, I have witnessed that sour thinking is all I can come up with, and not-so-great things come my way. On the other hand, when I am sincerely trying to be positive and grateful for all I have along with my learning experiences, what comes is more chances to learn and grow.

In conclusion, I’ve come to realize that feelings with attached thoughts can be taken by powers greater than myself to be a request for help. The Universe answers all requests. Sometimes it’s, “No,” while other times, the answer is “Not now.”

Today, I’m constantly aware of what’s being shuffled in and out of my head and especially aware of those thoughts with feelings attached. Beware of negative thoughts, especially those with feelings. If negative, change the thought. I do it by asking God for help and realizing I am at this place for a reason, and there is something to learn. Then, I become grateful for the opportunity to change the situation with God’s help. God is where my strength to endure comes from. If I have learned anything in my sobriety, it’s that I am not alone, and when I choose, I can plug into a power that loves me and will stand by my side during those lessons that I must learn. I know the power is there, as I have proven it dozens of times through how I pray, so I am cautious about what I pray for and especially mindful if feelings are involved.

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Accept or Challenge

Posted on June 15, 2024 by levasseurjohn

The famous escape artist Harry Houdini had an unexpected lesson during one of his escape attempts. He had claimed many times publicly that there was no jail cell from which he could not free himself. On one occasion, he was challenged to escape from the world’s best cell door lock. After a guard thoroughly searched for any keys, his wife kissed him before leaving. During the kiss, she passed a piece of wire he had used on other occasions to make a key while in confinement.

After being isolated in the cell, Harry used the wire to create a perfect key. He reached through the bars, and after many attempts, he could not get the lock to budge. He thought he had finally met his match. In the last few seconds of the time limit that was put upon him, he leaned against the cell door, and it opened. You see, the jailer had neglected to lock the door when Harry was placed in, hence he walked to freedom and no one, until recently, knew how he set himself free.

Now, you might think, what does this have to do with changing my outlook on life and how it relates to addiction recovery? At some point in our lives, we are all placed in an imaginary cell. During that time, behind our emotional bars, each of us could see no way out. For me, it was a charge of assault with a deadly weapon. I was guilty through the eyes of the seventeen witnesses and through my own. For all practical purposes, the cell door was closed and locked.

Out of desperation, I asked God for help. The asking was from my innermost being. “Please, God, help me.” Within a week, I leaned against what I thought was a locked door, and it opened. It opened when the judge sentenced me to a one-year sentence, suspended if I attended AA regularly and did not come before him for any reason. The door was unlocked all along, but until I realized the power within, the answer didn’t come.

In decades of continued sobriety, I’ve been involved in many situations that seemingly had no answer until I leaned against the door. Don’t let your mind keep you in prison when all you need to do is ask for help.

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“The Dragonfly” (Wonderful little story I found)

Posted on June 12, 2024 by levasseurjohn

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew.

So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

— Author Unknown And Greatly Appreciated!

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