If Melody Beattie has taught me anything in her book, “Codependence No More,” it is the title of this writing. In the early 90’s, I followed her teachings closely. During that time, recovery was known as “Healing the Inner Child.” Hundreds of books were number one on the Best Sellers List. We consumed every word we could find on the subject. I personally went so far as to open a Self-Help Recovery bookstore called “Journey to Serenity.” That seems so long ago, and I am telling the story of another person, but it was me. I am no longer that person emotionally. My neediness and obsessive desires to save the world have come under control as I realized how I could only save myself.

Today, I care for others, but I know better than to try to fix them. In the AA program, during the steps, I found step 9, which states, “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible.” What I didn’t realize when I attempted that step the first few times was that the idea about fixing my relationship with the other person or heal the memories of the destruction I had caused could not be done by me. It is about doing what I can to make things right, if possible, but not to get that person to like or even forgive me. Even if they forgive what I’ve done, the emotional damage within them can only be healed by them. I cannot change the past in another’s mind. That’s up to them.

The only tool I know that will help is Prayer. I can pray that the person I damaged can find peace within themselves. This was proven to me through my own childhood experience. With two alcoholic parents and one dying in a car crash when I was twelve, the emotional damage was far worse than I thought. I knew I was in trouble when, at ten years sober, I had a .22 revolver pointed at my head, and I was pulling the trigger. Pulling back on the slide, I listen to the click as the firing pin hit on an empty chamber. I said to myself, “I only have to put the clip in once more, and it will be over.” I really didn’t want to die, but I wanted the emotional pain to stop. It was then that I made a call for help. After six years of therapy, with many different counselors, the healing took place. As much as those who hurt me wanted me to be better, they could not fix me.

The secret is that I cannot fix anyone other than myself. The damage is inside their own world, as my damage was inside me. I can ask for their forgiveness, but that won’t help them. When they are ready, the teacher will appear, just as it did for me. I can only be an example of how, when I become willing to go to any length to make myself better, the healing will take place. There are real miracles out there, and I can testify that I became one. You can also be a miracle by doing the necessary work. Good luck on your Journey to Serenity if you so choose to jump on the Recovery Train as it leaves the station. If you miss that train, there is always another when you are ready.