When I think back to those dark days, I can vividly remember thinking, “How much beer would it take to satisfy me?” The first answer was usually, “A full Budweiser trailer truck load.” Then the thought would come, “What happens when that runs out?” Upping the ante, I would buy a lottery ticket, and when I won, I would buy my own brewery. Now that should be enough, don’t you think? “What if a foreign government took over the factory?” “I would put some of the money in a safety deposit box, which should ensure the future.” “What is someone robs the bank and gets into my safety deposit box?” “I’ll hide some money in a can and bury it.” “What if,” and the beat goes on.

Recently I listened to an interview of one of the richest men on earth. He was asked the question, “Just how much money is enough?” His reply was, “Just a little bit more.” Now, this statement I could identify with. Relationships were the same. When I was involved, I always fantasized about some other woman who looked better, and when I was available, they were nowhere to be found.

When I first entered recovery, I needed something to occupy my time, so I purchased a VCR and rented a movie. Next, I bought a second VCR so I could tape the film. I then joined a video store and started taping. Some nights it was three and others it was 5. I would set my alarm clock to wake up and change the tapes every few hours. Within three months I had two thousand movies on tape of which most I hadn’t watched. I started lending them to friends and became my own Pirated Movie Store. There was a new computer for the lists of titles, and of course, all of my movies were free. I wanted people to like me, and this was one of the ways I thought would work. I never realized it wasn’t about them, but me liking myself that counted.

A lady friend from the meetings took me aside and explained how I was just “Switching seats on the Titanic.” I was still stuck in addiction, just not alcohol and it needed to stop. I donated my collection to the local sober club and never rented another movie. Today there are online video sites like Netflix to catch my attention.

Once I recognized the problem, which is I have an addictive personality, just being away from the drink wasn’t the full solution. This is where the phrase, “Thoroughly followed our path,” comes into play. I had to follow the suggestions in the Big Book.

After several years of recognizing the problem, which is me, and making changes with Gods help, the addictive personality is almost all gone. I say it because it has never left totally. I can still obsess over a new car or new relationship, but today I am aware how I’m going down that road. When I talk with a close friend, keeping no secrets, things come into perspective, and the obsession can be curbed, somewhat. I guess the other slogan, “Progress not perfection,” applies to me, even after 30 years sober.