Promise number three in the Ninth Step Promises states, “We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.”

When I first looked at this, it didn’t make sense. “We will not regret the past.” How can that be? Is it right to say, “I don’t regret the nasty things I’ve done to those I love?” How can I say I don’t regret being a lousy father, husband, employee or friend? For me not to have bad feelings for the hurtful things I’ve done, sounds like I’m putting my stamp of approval or not taking responsibility for my actions.

Regret carries emotions, feelings, and memories for each event. As a practicing alcoholic, there was always an excuse. Someone else was always at fault for my misgivings. People were hurt. How can I say I don’t regret that?

During my first ten years in recovery, I carried a full sack of guilt and shame around with me 24 hours a day. I was constantly looking at the evil things I’d done, reminding myself what a dirtbag I really was. These thoughts do not help at all in recovering from a hopeless state of mind and body.

Guilt says “I’ve done something wrong.” Shame tells me “There’s something wrong with me.” Guilt is much easier to heal than shame. With professional help, I turned my shame into guilt and started treating the things I had done. I separated myself as a person from the things I did. That made the behavior the culprit and not me as a person.

While looking in the mirror every morning, I would recall parts of my life which I regretted. Then I would say something like, “I forgive you for doing this or that. I really like who you have become and don’t do those things anymore.” This way I could heal the repulsive feelings about myself and still not put my stamp of approval on the behavior. By not looking for an excuse, I realized I was in the throes of Alcoholism and did the best I could during those years.

Over time and lots of mirror gazing, I came, little by little, to like the person looking back at me. The more I practiced it, the better I felt. Today after many years of healing, I can honestly say I love myself. If I can love my kids, a partner, job or a beautiful car, why isn’t it alright to say I love myself?

The second part, “Nor wish to shut the door on it,” is what was left after the forgiveness was complete. I love who I am today, so why would I continue to punish myself. Forgiveness has placed me beyond that. I still need to remember, in a general way, what happened. Today when I look, I see what happened in my life while I was drinking in the third person. This realization helps me stay focused on what could happen if I drank again. No longer do I have a knot in my chest when a memory returns. I see it, process the memory and put it back where it belongs, on the pile of mistakes I’ve made, and forgiveness from God has been granted.

Those who I’ve hurt have long since forgiven me so why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? It isn’t, but it does take lots of effort. You can’t just read the Promises and expect something is going to change. Knowing how to grow corn will never put a meal on the table. I must put the suggestions into actions. When I do, the payoff is huge. It’s way better than I was promised. Being free of guilt and shame is certainly a God-given gift, but I have to take the action of opening my hands to empty all the stuff I’m carrying from the past. Once I let go, there’s room for God’s gift.

What do you have to lose? Start talking in the mirror and begin the forgiveness process. Complete the work and be free or I’ll give your misery back if you don’t feel better within a few months. You may find yourself saying you love who you have become. It could happen in the next year if you start now!