Published in the May issue of the AA Magazine, The Grapevine

Though trust was a huge issue, he finally went to “any length.” He picked up the phone and dialed

For years, AA members have shared catchy phrases that help us in recovery. One of the toughest ones is from the chapter “How It Works” in our Big Book, which is read at every meeting: “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it …”

In early sobriety, I tried to understand this phrase. When I looked around the meeting room, I saw well-dressed members who drove fancy cars, and I wanted what they had. I’d see a biker with a pretty tattooed lady on his arm, and I wanted that too. But then there were the guys who wandered into the meeting for cookies and a coffee. I didn’t want what they had.

My judgment on what the words “get it” meant was 180 degrees from their true meaning. It took years, maybe 10 or so, before the light finally appeared in my brain. The “it” they were referring to was not something material, but an inner peace or understanding that there is a power greater than myself and that power loves me.

That “peaceful, easy feeling,” to quote a phrase from an Eagles song, came at a price. It was a price I wasn’t willing to pay at first. Then one day, I found a gun in my hand, and it was pointed at my head. A voice in my head said, “Either pull the trigger or start trusting in someone.” Until that point, trust was a huge issue for me. But that day I put down the gun and picked up the phone, which was, in its own way, equally as heavy.

Thank God there was a familiar voice on the other end when I made that call. It was my temporary sponsor. I had asked him to be my temporary a year earlier, and this was the first time I called him. I’d figured just seeing him at meetings would be enough. I told him what I was contemplating, and he said to meet me at the local sober clubhouse.

When I got there, he and I sat in the back while others played cards. I told him all about how I hated myself and how my program wasn’t working. He agreed that “my program” might have some flaws but said that the AA program had a sound track record of being helpful to guys like me. He told me how my fear of trusting people disappeared when I called him.

It’s 15 years later, and I’m still reaping the benefits of those seeds that were so hard to sow back then. I still have to pluck the occasional weeds in my personality when they raise their ugly heads, but I’m far better than I was.

Each day, with the guidance of my Higher Power, I realize what the “it” is that our AA founders taught us about. Knowing the “it” is one of the priceless, unmerited gifts the Promises say I will eventually receive. After many years of inside work, I’ve realized all those Promises. They have indeed come true. Now that I know what “it” is, I need to pass on the message to keep it