During early sobriety, because I had no idea, I would do anything to define who I was. Others had molded my identity since childhood. The molding started when I was twelve. My father died in a car accident one Friday night. A police officer and the local priest said, “You are now the head of the family.” In essence, I was not allowed to grieve. This was the fork in the road where my purpose in life changed, and not for the better. I became a certified Co-Dependent, going to any lengths to please everyone by seeking their approval.

When life became intolerable, and my poor decisions were finding me behind bars, I realized, finally, after 25 years of drinking, that my life had to change or end. After arriving at the doors of AA, with the help of the court system, I found a different and much more productive way of living. I was still seeking approval, but now I knew who I had become. Around a year sober, my EGO found a sober motorcycle club, which seemed to have it all together, or at least they did in my eyes. It turned out that they were just like me. Within three months, I was a full member, had patches on my vest, and drove a loud Harley. The EGO was now in charge. After a meeting, the club president, whom we called Weebles, said something to me that started a different way of thinking. He said, “I want you to know that I know that you don’t know!” I didn’t want him to know I had no idea what he was talking about, so I walked away. I thought about what he said for a month, and approached him again. I asked, “Weebles, what don’t I know?” His reply was more confusing than his first statement. He said, “You will know what you don’t know when you know it.” Once again, I was confused and walked away. A few weeks later I approached him again for clarity. He said, “A spiritual way of life is all that matters.” I internalized that statement while changing the way I looked at everything. Suddenly, the motorcycle club wasn’t as important as before. Where I lived, the house size, the car I drove, and what I did for work had no meaning outside of a means to get closer to this Power I did not understand.

Slowly, the lights came on, one day at a time. I was now able to see what my EGO was for. I could also see the real me and how a hundred false prophets were driving my bus. As the light became brighter, I could see the material world would pass me by. Jobs changed, cars were only a means to get from one place to another, money was no longer important, and the big one was that I was no longer in charge. I learned that surrendering to this power was the only way to go. Things always turned out for the best when I did that.

Today, after working on me for 38 years, I see the world differently. I truly understand when someone at a meeting says, “My life is 180 degrees from what it was.” I appreciate small things as never before.

After creating oil paints on canvas for three months, nature appears different. Trees have shapes I never realized. Even the grass has different shades of green. It’s a new appreciation of life; I see it as never before. I’m also seeing how my obsessive-compulsive behavior has never left. In those 90 days, I completed 60 paintings and ran out of wall space. I can slow down or buy a bigger house. Laughing at my behavior today has become the norm. I may always be this way and now accept me today for who I am.

Today, I pray that my life will continue to unfold in a spiritual direction. I am so glad Weebles said those profound words many years ago.

“I once was lost, and now I’m found.”

Thank you, God.