Grief is a topic that only comes up when someone’s in crisis. Losing a wife, sister, mother, or pet can cause an individual to do things common sense overlooks. Understanding how the process works can help when you are going through it. Five stages must be addressed with each loss. There are no shortcuts or easy ways around it, but once you know where you are, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel much clearer. Here is a brief overview of the process:

Denial

The first reaction is to deny its reality. You might hear yourself saying, “This isn’t happening.” Denial is a defense mechanism. It’s a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

As denial wears off, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. Anger may be directed at our deceased loved one or God himself. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more upset. Go easy on yourself. You are not being punished, even if it feels that way.

Bargaining

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power to postpone the inevitable. “Please, God, bring them back, and I will be a better person.”

Depression

Sadness and regret dominate our emotions. We accept the loss, but the sadness is still overwhelming.

Acceptance

This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. It’s not a period of happiness but an acceptance of the loss.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions you’re going through. Friends and relatives can be there for you and help comfort you through this five-stage process. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting prolongs the natural process of healing.

Love, what it is, not what it’s not

Webster’s defines love as:

1. Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

Or maternal love for a child.

Attraction is based on sexual desire.

1. Lovers feel affection and tenderness.
2. Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or interest in love for his old schoolmates

After reading this description of love, I still don’t know what love is. The Bible tries in its way in Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, boast, or be proud. It does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, and perseveres. Love never fails.

I’m even more confused after reading that. The above tells me what love isn’t or what it doesn’t do. It states how love protects, trusts, and perseveres. What does it mean?

In my 30 years in Recovery, I’ve read hundreds of books and attended another hundred lectures and seminars. I have assembled a group of thoughts about what I think love is all about. You may disagree with this conclusion, but this understanding is for me. If you receive any benefit from this explanation, then we are all better off that I’ve written it down.

Everyone agrees love is a strong feeling. It comes from within me. I feel the love from another. Could I feel love if I didn’t already have it in my heart? If I despise myself, can I feel love? Can I give something away which I don’t already possess? The simple answer is no, it can’t be done. I know because I lived it. I would tell my kids I loved them, but it was only a word. In later years, while making a 9th step amend to my son, he said, “I knew you loved me but never felt it.” Could he grow up as I did, not love himself, without a role model?

Love can only be received if you’re ready to accept it. It’s always on me, and the feeling is always inside me. I can tell you I love you, but a sense of connection can only be made if you’re receptive.

In conclusion, to feel love, you must love yourself. Love for oneself can only be achieved through forgiveness. Forgiveness comes about by recognizing your misgivings, looking in the mirror, and saying the words to yourself. It’s a process and takes time, but it only works if you do it.

Today, I feel loved and can try to describe what it feels like to others. We will make the connection if they are in the right place. If not, they are just words without meaning.

This may help you a little, as it helped me a lot.

A Different Way to See God

Some of the ideas expressed in this article are repeats from earlier but apply here as well. The more you study advanced spiritual concepts, the more you will see how it all comes down to a few basic principles.

While attending a church-sponsored memorial service for an AA friend who passed, I was reminded how my spiritual beliefs differ immensely from others in the community. The church denomination isn’t relevant, but it’s not my first choice for a worship place.

For the most part, the service crept into my heart with warm fuzzy memories of my friend. Then, the religious doctrine started, and I had to turn the other cheek while switching channels in my thoughts. I knew there may be a hidden lesson I didn’t see at first. Some in attendance were flailing their arms while a man in the back kept yelling, “Praise Jesus.” He scared the carp out of me when he screamed the first time. I found it hard not to judge initially, but I was successful over time. The lesson was that this church and how the parishioners praised God was their choice and none of my business. Many enjoyed what I first called antics while enjoying every minute of it. Those loving the service and I were at the same service and heard the same sermon but had entirely different views on the spiritual meaning.

It was gratifying and enlightening to be able to accept them at face value and their ways. I took a deep breath and realized this wasn’t designed by me, and I would be leaving soon anyway. The service was about memorializing my friend, and this was the church she was a member of. It was then that I stopped judging.

Although some of the preachings weren’t my cup of tea, I did come away with a better understanding of God as I see Him. My spiritual concepts have many similarities and differences compared to organized religion. The Pastor spoke about our separation from God as sinners. He made it sound like heaven is a real place above the clouds, and we will go there if we do certain things the way they do it. Jesus explained it when his disciples asked him, “Where is heaven?” He replied, “The kingdom of heaven lies within.” So if God is in heaven, He’s inside every one of us, even if we don’t believe. He’s there waiting for us to talk with Him. I think each of us is a spiritual being living a human experience, not vice versa. We are all spirits; each Spirit is within, where God is. My friend was with me in Spirit while she lived. Now that she’s no longer on earth, her Spirit is in heaven with God, which is within me. I guess this means nothing has changed spiritually. Her body has left, but she remains present in Spirit.

Another area I’ve come to understand is why we are here? Of course, this is only my concept; you can believe whatever you like. We are spirits placed here to learn lessons through service. The book of lessons has many pages. The Course in Miracles says, “Life is a series of lessons. We don’t get to choose the experience, but we do get to choose how we react to it.” I must learn all the lessons to become one with God. My Spirit may be in heaven with Him, but we are not entirely one as yet. We’re not separate just not one. Each lifetime there are lessons to learn. Once this Life’s mission is complete, and it may be when I’m 20 or 100, I will return to the source where I’ll be assigned new lessons and return to do it again. As I look at others, I do not know their lessons. It doesn’t matter to me. What’s important is that I know what’s on my path and learn every bit of what I am here to learn.

This makes more sense than the idea that we come here once, die, and live in heaven for eternity. Eternity is a long time, and one’s Life is so short. If one pass is all we get, what’s the real purpose of living this Life? I like my idea better.