Grief is a topic that only comes up when someone’s in crisis. Losing a wife, sister, mother, or pet can cause an individual to do things common sense overlooks. Understanding how the process works can help when you are going through it. Five stages must be addressed with each loss. There are no shortcuts or easy ways around it, but once you know where you are, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel much clearer. Here is a brief overview of the process:

Denial

The first reaction is to deny its reality. You might hear yourself saying, “This isn’t happening.” Denial is a defense mechanism. It’s a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

As denial wears off, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. Anger may be directed at our deceased loved one or God himself. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more upset. Go easy on yourself. You are not being punished, even if it feels that way.

Bargaining

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power to postpone the inevitable. “Please, God, bring them back, and I will be a better person.”

Depression

Sadness and regret dominate our emotions. We accept the loss, but the sadness is still overwhelming.

Acceptance

This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. It’s not a period of happiness but an acceptance of the loss.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions you’re going through. Friends and relatives can be there for you and help comfort you through this five-stage process. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting prolongs the natural process of healing.

Love, what it is, not what it’s not

Webster’s defines love as:

1. Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

Or maternal love for a child.

1. Attraction based on sexual desire.
2. Lovers feel affection and tenderness.
3. Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or interest in love for his old schoolmates

After reading this description of love, I still don’t know what love is. The Bible tries in its way in Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, boast, or be proud. It does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, and perseveres. Love never fails.

I’m even more confused after reading that. The above tells me what love isn’t or what it doesn’t do. It states how love protects, trusts, and perseveres. What does it mean?

In my 30 years in Recovery, I’ve read hundreds of books and attended another hundred lectures and seminars. I have assembled a group of thoughts about what I think love is all about. You may or may not agree with this conclusion, but this understanding is for me. If you receive any benefit from this explanation, then we are all better off that I’ve written it down.

Everyone agrees love is a strong feeling. It comes from within me. I feel the love from another. Could I feel love if I didn’t already have it in my heart? If I despise myself, can I feel love? Can I give something away which I don’t already possess? The simple answer is no, it can’t be done. I know because I lived it. I would tell my kids I loved them, but it was only a word. In later years, while making a 9th step amend to my son, he said, “I knew you loved me but never felt it.” Could he grow up as I did, not love himself, without a role model?

Love can only be received if you’re ready to accept it. It’s always on me, and the feeling is always inside me. I can tell you I love you, but a sense of connection can only be made if you’re receptive.

In conclusion, to feel love, you must love yourself. Love for oneself can only be achieved through forgiveness. Forgiveness comes about by recognizing your misgivings, looking in the mirror, and actually saying the words to yourself. It’s a process and takes time, but it only works if you do it.

Today, I feel loved and can try to describe to others what it feels like. We will make the connection if they are in the right place. If not, they are just words without meaning.

This may help you a little, as it helped me a lot.