I was anything but my best friend in the first 42 years on this rock we call Earth. I could never seem to do anything right. I accomplished a few projects along the way but never hit the bullseye. Most of my decisions didn’t even hit the wall, never mind the target. I wasn’t happy, no matter what.

There came a time when I couldn’t take it anymore. I listened to a positive-speaking person, and he said, “Happiness is not something you find; it’s something you create.” That was probably the first baby step taken in my true recovery. Yes, I’d been sober for a while, but I was going nowhere inside my head. Another thing I heard which changed my direction was, “Even if you are on the right track unless you are moving, you’re still going to be hit by a train.”

It turns out that I had many character flaws or defects, as some call them. I never like recognizing any part of me as defective. God made me perfect, and I altered His creation with mistakes or sins. Actually, the word sin comes from the Middle Ages when a bowman shoots an arrow into a target. It was called a “sin” when he missed his mark. When I stopped seeing myself as flawed, my outlook started to change. I was just programmed wrong in childhood by two people who had not validated themselves, so they could not practice what they didn’t know. I made many mistakes. Most of the errors directly resulted from the way my personality was programmed. Like with a computer, applications make mistakes because of something a programmer wrote years ago. When found, the program is corrected and updated to fix the mistake. I can do that by myself with help. Once I recognize the trait I don’t like or is causing me harm, I can change it. It’s always easier if I’m working with someone who may have had a similar situation or knows someone who may have.

When I recognize one of these flaws, I first stop shining a negative light on it. I have known about it for many years and have been telling myself that I am a bad person due to my flaws. The sooner I stop the negative talk, the sooner the healing can occur. Negative talk creates negative feelings. It’s like beating yourself over the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you stop. The only person who can stop picking on me is me, not a friend, a relative, or my sponsor. It is up to me to recognize when I’m doing it and take a moment to shine a light on the good things I have done. At first, I didn’t think there were any good traits, but there were many.

The next thing was to trace the character flaw back to its root. One example for me is impatience. I couldn’t wait for the burger to be fully cooked. I would take it out before it was time and get upset with myself because the meat was not cooked enough. I wondered, what’s that all about? It turns out, I couldn’t count on my parents to follow through with anything in childhood. I would hear the promise, but the promise was always broken. This created the fear of being alone and not worth having anything good. As an adult, I assumed I had to get what I wanted immediately, as later wouldn’t come. It was a fear of being disappointed. That fear could be traced to many other character flaws. I had to realize that it would come if I wanted it to. I have control over my destiny, not my parents.

One exercise my hypnotherapist had me do was to write a letter as a sober adult to my damaged inner child. Believe it or not, there exists, in my mind, the energy created during my childhood. I called the inner me Little John. The letter went something like this.

“Little John, I am here to let you know I am sober now and love you. You have nothing to fear, and you can count on me to be there for you. What happened in the past is gone. We together can do anything. Whenever you feel afraid, remember how that is old thinking and now is now. Take this letter out and read it whenever you feel upset. Remember, I am here and love you. Your big self.” Once on paper, I tore off a corner of the letter and ate it. The symbolism of the letter, now a part of my heart, worked as an instrument of healing. When I felt uneasy about a situation, I would remind Little John to take out the letter and read it.

As an adult, I constantly remind myself that there is no fear in God’s hands. “Turn my will and life over to God” has a new meaning for me today. Like any other tool in the box, it’s only good when I’m using it.