I’ve always considered myself a caring and spiritual person, but when I get behind the wheel, that peaceful, loving person moves to the back seat, and my EGO takes command. Observing EGO’s behavior, it’s exactly the opposite of what I would like it to be. A crazy person takes over when I’m being pushed or under pressure. Observing this behavior is what I look for every morning on my way to the early meeting. I look for things that upset me so my EGO can come out to play, and he doesn’t play fair.

Each morning, there‘s a stoplight where I need to turn right. There are two lanes, one for straight and one for turning. Just about every day, some idiot, here I go judging again, pulls up in the turn lane and stops, causing everyone to wait. Then they take off like a drag racer to cut off those in the correct lane. This behavior sets off a desire to ram into that person, yell an obscenity, blow my horn, or signal with a not-so-complementary hand sign. It never happens no matter how I try to keep the EGO on my side of the fence.

When the meeting opens, several of us have the same issue. Yesterday, after sharing my displeasure with my behavior, it came to me, like a lightning bolt, that I was treating the problem and not looking for a solution. My first answer was that this would never happen if they only drove the way I wanted them to. So far, that solution hasn’t worked very well. Then, I think about and share why I act this way. The problem is inside me and will continue until I address the cause.

I remember reading an article in the Grapevine that discussed how I treat the leaves on a tree as my problem. The real problems are in the branches and, ultimately, the tree trunk. All emotions come from love or fear. Now I had something to look for. I asked the question, what am I afraid of?

As a child, I was bullied while never receiving positive affirmations from a drunken mother. I grew up without a father, as he died in a car accident when I was 12. After six years of therapy, when I was ten years sober, I thought I’d buried all of that stuff. I guess because the fear is still there, and it’s never been addressed. After looking over my life, I’ve found that I’ve been caring resentment for fifty years against a squadron commander who found me guilty of something I hadn’t done and reduced my rank just before being discharged. When I pleaded my case, he said how I could be right, but he would keep me in the Air Force for the next six months while I proved my innocence. I accepted his unfair decision and have been carrying that resentment ever since. He was the guy pushing me around, and I had no control over it. Now, fifty years later, I believe I will not let anyone push me around, so I act out in traffic. The problem is not how others drive but something that has been on my mind for a long time.

How do I deal with this? The same way I forgave my mother for her abuse. I wrote a letter and read it over her grave before burying it next to the headstone. I believe it’s time to write another letter. It’s time to let Colonel McKish go, as he’s been dead for 30 years but still alive inside me.

Today, I know that forgiveness is the answer to all my problems. Only time on the road will tell how well this has worked. With God’s help, I am the only one who can repair the emotional damage. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.