The dictionary says a Quirk is “a peculiar behavioral habit.” A defect is “an imperfection that impairs worth.” Both sound the same in the normal way of speaking. Who defines what’s normal? I’ve heard, “Normal is only a setting on a washing machine.” What’s normal for one person is a defect or quirk to others, so how important is it?

The term “defect” has a graver definition in the AA program. A defect is defined as being defective in some way by another’s standard. Sure, there are things we shouldn’t do like the 10 Commandments teach us. Some religious experts misinterpret the word “sin.” The meaning of sin from the original Coptic language means “to miss the mark.” There is a lot written or preached from the pulpit that if you sin, you’re going to rot in hell. The term comes from an archer not hitting the bullseye. Do I always hit a home run with every at-bat? Of course not, but I miss the mark with most efforts.

When I first started the journey with Alcoholics Anonymous, I was as low as I could go. It was the worst time of my life. Then I started hearing how AA people knew how defective I was, because they were defective themselves. That didn’t make me feel any better or encourage me. For my first year, my eyes only looked at the floor as I remained quiet. The shame surrounding me was unbearable.

Then came the steps, and my temporary sponsor wanted me to write down all my defects so we could talk about them. For me, that wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t understand, nor was it explained, how the Steps were tools to help me forgive myself and feel better about the world.

At ten years sober, I couldn’t stand me any longer. After two planned suicides, which failed, I concluded that I would do the work or end my life. I didn’t want to die, just the pain to stop. I was convinced to start writing when my friend said to change the word defect to quirk or shortcoming. Just not measuring up to what I had the potential to be was much easier to swallow than being defective. Thank God I found the right person to help me.

Once my life was on paper, I could see areas where I could have been better and other areas where I did pretty well. When it came time for Step 9, I was at the top of the list. With every amend, I finished with an amend to myself and forgave myself for what I had done.

Some say they are just words, and words can’t hurt you. Well, the word defect did hurt and almost killed me. Today, after thoroughly working the steps and making all the amends I can, I feel clean inside and no longer broken. When I make a mistake today, it’s not a defect of character coming out; it’s just me missing the mark. Once I’m aware of this, I can take measures to correct the mistake, as the Tenth Step tells me. Don’t be afraid of those dark places. It’s just you missing the mark.